I'm famous!- March 21, 2007

Hey! I made it to the BSSC Update Email! Thanks Adam and Mike!
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(From the 21 March BSSC Mailing List Email) http://www.baltssc.com/
BSSC MEMBERS OVERSEAS

I just received this request from a member and it would be my honor to send what equipment is needed.
If you know of anyone overseas with request for sports equipment, PLEASE contact me so I can fill it.

"Pat Hoffman is a member of the BSSC, and he is currently serving an Army tour at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan, so he's missing out on the latest sports seasons.

However, the BSSC is not far from his mind. Pat has taken the initiative to start a five man touch football league on his base, pitting the various branches and divisions against one another. Plus, his next recreational undertaking is to try and start some informal pickup kickball games with the personnel on base, including possibly having a small league as well.
That said, while the army supplies footballs to the troops, they're not so good on requisition kickball's and bases. If you had any extra equipment that you might be willing to part with that would be great.
Thanks, Adam
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Please take a second to pray for our men/women overseas and their families. It's not getting easier over there and I hope they come home soon.
Good Bless America !
Mike Cray
owner BSSC/ANNSSC　
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Awesome. For anyone not familiar with it, BSSC is a Baltimore-area team sports (kickball, softball, football, dodgeball, etc.) league so that we former "athletes" can relive our glory days, especially our 5th grade glory in kickball, and have a non-5th grader-like beer afterwards with the teams we just played. It is pretty great. So, thank you to Mike for your kind offer, and thanks to Adam for bringing this to the BSSC's attention.

Update 19: Football!- March 25, 2007

FOOTBALL!!!!

So I started a football league. There were 4 teams- Army, Civilians from the Department of the Army and Department of Defense, Civilian Contractors, and AECOM, which is a major company that does a lot of the work around here.

We were supposed to start on the 11^th, but it rained

Then we were going to play on the 18^th… but it poured

So, on the 24^th, the forecast for the next day was sunny, the field was swept and we were ready to go…

…until the boss from AECOM said that his team would not be playing. Why? Who knows? What is important is that we were down to three teams, and instead of fourth, the DACs would now come in third. I mean, what is important is that everyone will still want to play, so one team will have to play twice. On to the first game!

Game 1: Military vs DACs

The DACs jumped out to an early lead on a TD scamper by Bill. Yes, that is me getting dusted.

But then the military team, like in the Battle of the Bulge, came roaring back…

…mostly because no one can catch LT Lester (our version of John Albers), who somehow broke out of this pile with all flags intact using Barry Sanders-like spins for the tying TD…

…and who also made catches like Jerry Rice to take the lead (bye bye Rick)

Everyone was having a great time until… BOOM!

Yup, that is me colliding with Ted, our Safety Officer (ironic, no?) I caught a buttonhook and turned upfield. That is when it all went wrong. Basically, my big forehead, as seen in other pictures, ran into his cheekbone. He got the worse end of the deal, with a fractured orbit and zygomatic arch (aka cheekbone- see those Anatomy classes come in handy some times) while I escaped unscathed. He was ok though, and just sat a few plays before coming back in. Here is the “After” picture.

In a gutsy move (as a former marine, would you expect any less?), Ted came back in to score a TD, busted face and all, and it looked like the DAC team might make a comeback…

…but a huge defensive stand, led by CPT Cook sealed their fate.

Final Score: Military 18- DACs 12

But the more important thing is, people had a blast playing; even the ones that got injured said so. Cameraderie, clever trash talk, teamwork, and fun- we had them all. It was not quite the BSSC, as there was no flip cup afterwards, but what can you do. Game 2 and The Aftermath Coming Soon...

Update 18:We Have Moved- March 23, 2007

We Have Moved!

In more ways than one. Clearly, the website has changed, but so has my housing! In case you cannot tell from the picture, it is a converted shipping container. It is a beautiful method of recycling. Apparently they can fit 15,000 rounds of ammunition or two people and a shared bathroom.
I have gone from the 1700s to the 1900s with the addition of running water IN my building (tm. Stine) and am quite enjoying it. Admittedly, it has the dimensions of a nice prison cell (10’ x7’), but I am allowed out in the yard for an hour a day for exercise. Oh, and the last resident, who is currently on vacation still has the keys! Shhhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but I cannot lock my door. Ooh! And I have a great next door neighbor. He/She was considerate enough to cover the sound of him/her getting busy with some bass-heavy slow jams (possibly from the slow jams radio station, I can’t be sure.) How do I know there was busy-getting being done? Well, where I’m from, that is what slow jams plus “I’m not answering my door when you come knock to ask me to turn it down at 11pm” equals. One more important change is my appearance. You all may remember Army Pat Version 2.0. Here he is as of March 6, 2007. Smiling and relaxed, you almost expect a bluebird of happiness to settle on his shoulder and chirp a happy tune. But oh, what a difference a week can make.
Was it the peer pressure? Did the constant stress make it fall out? And what happened to the smile? And what is that crazy look in his eye? Oh man, this guy is going to need some serious therapy when he gets home.

A Soldier to Civilian translation guide will be posted soon, so those who wish to can still communicate with him when he returns home. For example, if he says “We’re going to need to adjust fire on that.” that means “We may need to rethink it and change our plan.” You can already see the need for the guide. And why am I talking in the third person? Am I to be one of those people who says things like, “The Pat is going to get his grub on.”? One can only hope not. Self five! For the big dog!

Update 17- February 26, 2007

Band of Brothers? Or Office Space?
This is my favorite mountain here. It is this little tiny thing (relatively) sitting in the shadow of all these monsters. It is like the Wilbur of the mountain range, but I say it is “SOME MOUNTAIN.”

I don’t think that I ever provided a picture of where I live, but this is a B-Hut with the back of a Toyota Prado, which is my vehicle while I am here, and like I told you before, they are all stickshift.

Well, I am doing much better with the driving (down to 1 stall-out a week), but there really is a learning curve, and for some, it is steeper than for others. One of my co-workers, while trying to get into a parking spot, ran into port-a-potty. That would be bad enough, but the #1 Bossman, the CEO of our unit was inside it. She did not knock it over, but definitely jostled it pretty good. These are the dangers of learning stick. She has not driven since.

For as much as I am in a “warzone” here, it is really more like Office Space than Band of Brothers. Getting along with co-workers. Trying to keep hold of your stapler. The only difference is that no one ever has a “case of the Mondays” since you are never coming back from a weekend away from work. However, one thing that reminds you where you are sometimes is when they detonate land mines.
The engineers are always doing mine clearing here and there is supposed to be an announcement over the PA. Sometimes it goes, “there will be a controlled detonation”, then BOOM! But other times the explosion happens first and you go, “What the &$#@ was THAT?” but that only lasted like 2 weeks before you just say “One down, 8 million to go.” and go back to work. I am still waiting for someone to say “Oh! Excuse Me! Must have been that BEAN I ate.”

Lest you think that I am in any danger, let me assure you that the only thing getting assaulted here is my sense of smell. Let me explain. There are three types of water here. Black, gray and potable. Potable, is what you can drink and wash with. Gray is used shower water, dishwater and stuff like that. Blackwater is what you get from port-a-johns. All of it has to go somewhere, and because our site is on the unlucky part of base, we are downwind from the blackwater dump site. When the wind is right, it is just so wrong. And if this is what it is like in the winter, I am glad that one guy from update #6 recommended bringing scented candles along for the summer.

So, in some things you have more choices here, for example, Diet Coke. Here, there are two varieties- the one in the black can and the one in the silver can. I have not determined if there is any difference, but I am planning a blind taste test. Maybe it is all the leftover “New [Diet] Coke” or maybe it is like Coke Dry and Coke Ice. Is Coca Cola owned by Anheuser Busch?

However, there are some things that have much fewer options. Like the radio stations. Here, there are three. Country, what seems to be the Slow-Jams station as that is all I have ever heard playing on it, and the rock station that changes to rap every so often with no discernible pattern. I wonder if Sirius is an option here.

Hasta luego, -Pat

Update 16 - February 27, 2007

I AM OK

Hi everyone,
Yes, it was a bad day here, but I am 100% ok. If you did not hear the news there was a suicide bomber at the main gate and there were a number of casualties. I was so far from what happened that I did not even hear it, which I cannot say for Dick Cheney. However, one of my coworkers was killed. Don't let this worry you because it happened in a place that I never ever go. But I am totally ok, and will continue to keep myself that way.
Later on, -Pat

Update 15- February 9, 2007

TALIBANISHED! [t.m. K-Lamb]

I wanted to start off with just an awesome picture. Someone in the Air Force that Laura knows took this on a flight from… somewhere here to somewhere else here. Do I leave the details out because of information security, or because I don’t know? Yeah, I have no idea.

Remember the A-10 I showed flying over? Well, the noise of that is nothing compared to an F-15 taking off. Someone told me that when they do, and they use their afterburners, apparently their engines are operating at 115%. I told them that this is a mathematical impossibility. If they are going as hard as they can, that is 100%. I am very annoying.

We have suffered a tragedy here on Bagram. The grieving process is still going on. I am stuck somewhere between bargaining and depression. We have lost the Korean restaurant.

Have I mentioned it before? Well, it is Korean food, but the people who work there are actually from Kyrgyzstan (yes, that is a real country) as my coworker found out when he placed his order in Korean and was met with blank stares. But it is the ONE really good place to eat where you could feel confident in the quality of the food. It was not overprocessed or overcooked like most places. (Yes, I am complaining about the lobster. Leave me alone.) So, inevitably, it burned down. I do not know what caused the fire, but from the looks of the place, it will not be bouncing back anytime soon.

I have gotten reports from home that much of America is caught in a bit of a cold snap. Well, I say “Welcome to my world, suckers!” Two more cold weather pictures for you:
Dashboard reads: Out Side: -20C.
It is a double exposure because it is cold and I was shivering. Or maybe because I had just had two cups of very strong coffee. I do not remember.
Awww, a snowman. Even in a war zone, one can keep his inner child entertained. Oh, the innocence… The playfulness... Wait… does that snowman have boobs? Yes. Yes it does. Oh, that is just sick. [shakes head]

In another winter tradition, we did get to watch the Super Bowl! A few other hardy/crazy souls got up at 3am to watch. Most were Bears fans, some were Packers fans who came to root against the Bears. I cheered on the Colts simply so I never have to hear Peyton Manning compared to Dan Marino ever again. It was fun though- we had chips, hot dogs, and all that, making it somewhat like being at home. We even got beer. Admittedly, it was Budweiser Non-Alcoholic beer, and the writing on the can was half in Arabic, but it still tasted as good as Bud usually does.
Oh yeah, and that is my new holster for my pistol. This is the level of self expression that we have in our fashion choices- shoulder holster or belt. Unfortunately, this lack of alcohol has created an opportunity for the Taliban. After a certain amount of time in country, people go into pretty severe withdrawal for beer. So the enemy has created a trap that more than one soldier has fallen for. Maybe the people in charge will change their policies so that no more soldiers are lost in this way. Write your congressman!!!
Until next time, -Pat

Update 14 - February 1, 2007

The Horrors of War- The First Casualty Is Always Innocence

So, some people have been telling me that it seems like I have things very easy here. Well, let me disabuse you of that notion. There are many terrible burdens here that I must bear.
The terrible cold! Along with the nine or so inches of snow that got dropped on us, the coldest that I know it got to was -22 degrees Celsius. Just in case any of you have not spent large amounts of time in Europe or a science lab, that is -8 degrees Fahrenheit. When I go back to my heated B-hut at night? Sometimes I have to wear LONG PANTS!!! I mean, what are we, animals? …That wear pants?
And the heat! My God, the HEAT! I mean, you go to take a shower and the water is just so HOT! You can just barely turn the knob on the hot without it being scalding. I guess I will suffer through hot showers for the rest of the year. Geez.
The life blood of any good soldier is of course, coffee. It used to be an occasional thing for me, and now it is a hard-core habit. However, out here in the boonies, we lack the Holy Grail of java that most of you probably take for granted because you see it in every strip mall and bookstore- Starbucks. Instead, we are stuck with some kind of second-rate place called Green Bean coffee. Don't they know that coffee beans are BROWN? I mean, come on!
It does not stop there! Even my favorite hobbies have not escaped unscathed. When Harry Potter 7 comes out, not only will I have to wait for it to get shipped overseas, they may not let me call in sick so I can read it all in one shot! Have they no souls? Pause the war! And when football is on, I am 9.5 hours ahead, so the Conference Championships started at 2330 (11:30pm). I had to stay up the whole night to watch football on the big screen TV at the rec center. And no wings or beer! What do they think I am watching, cricket?
Speaking of food, they told us that every Friday is supposed to be Steak and Lobster night. But is it? Noooooo! It is steak and crab legs. They said there would be lobster. But then there was no lobster! Why wasn't there any lobster? Whyyyyy????? [sobs] (PS- Thank you all for going to work and paying taxes so I can eat this well. The next thing they are installing is a Chipotle. No, not really. If they did, I might never leave.)
And the final straw. Today was Sunday. And we did not get a half day. It… it is almost too much to take. It is so terrible even the birds won't stay.
I am going to try to marshal my strength and make it through the rest of the day. My only hope? Maybe this Friday they will have lobster... maybe.

UPDATE 13 - January 21, 2007

Freedomland v1.0, aka The 51st State
(tm- Gluckzilla) SANCTUARY!
They moved us into a different kind of hut. It has little walls that section it off into something the size of a prison cell, and I say that as a VERY good thing. The heater works at night (less in the morning, but who cares? You just get dressed faster.) Life is gooooood! Plus, all the care packages/ Christmas presents from my mom, sister, Laura and her fam and the Baltimore crew and arrived too! Woo-hoo! Wait, you mean this is not going to be a daily thing, getting this much stuff? Aw crap.

We live in what is referred to here as The Cereal Bowl because while we are about 5000 feet high, we are completely surrounded by the end of the Hindu Kush mountain range (which turn into the Himalayas eventually) that goes up to 20000 or so, forming… well, a big old bowl. Actually, all the planes that take off from here have to turn in really tight circles until they get enough altitude to make it over. Great place for an airbase, no? Well, apparently the Russians thought so.

Other than the 8 million mines, they left some other stuff behind too, like old busted tanks and planes. But not these. I took these guys out myself. Yes sir, Medal of Honor, here I come!

When we were getting a tour, we were looking out at the countryside on the other side of the wire (the whole place is surrounded by fences and barbed wire and such) and one person said “What are those ruins out there?” Actually, that is where some of the locals live. No roof. No heat (except a fire) and landmines possibly underfoot at every step. At this point, I stopped complaining that my fingers were a little cold.
As this is a very active airbase, there are all sorts of cool planes flying over all day (and night- boo!), including my favorite- the A-10 Warthog. Yes, they really do fly this low, and it is louuuuuuud! It makes you glad they are on our side. [Warthog]
So, in what feels like an episode of the Amazing Race, every vehicle here is a manual transmission. And guess who has never owned a stick shift? Yup. So, I am learning, but I have stalled out at inopportune times more than once. Like when there was a giant Afghani jingle truck coming. What is a jingle truck, you ask? Well, let me tell you. Better yet, let me SHOW you.




They are normal trucks, but painted all sorts of colors with all manner of things like chains and scrap metal hanging off of them which jingle all the way while they pick up stuff to be delivered. And these are their regular trucks, not like their Sunday best! Actually, here it would be Saturday best, but still. Oh, and there are always at least 4 people crammed into the cab of the truck. I will never hear wind chimes again without having a flashback to a pink flatbed bearing down on me
As for my job, I feel like Homer working for Hank Scorpio. My crew is pretty awesome at their jobs, so I asked them, “You guys working hard?” They said yes. “Can you work harder?” And they did. Also, I entice them with donuts, and the possibility of MORE donuts to come. Now I just need Tom Landry’s hat. (That one is just for the Glucks. “The Denver Broncos? Awwww!” I can just hear Jason laughing now.)
OK, one last weird thing? There are no coins here on base. Like, there are little shops here run by the Army, and you can use American money, but you get coin change as pogs that say 10 cents, or 25 cents, or whatever. It is totally bizarre. I have not seen pogs for a while, and I am still waiting to get an ALF pog, which is the coolest variety. I would compare them to Disney Dollars, but we already know that Disney is not a happy name here.
Next time? Snow, Roadkill and Incinerators!
-Pat

Update 12- January 14, 2007

For Make Glorious Benefit Of Afghanistan (tm. K-Lamb)

[Note: This was my sister’s awesome idea for a subject title. If you would like to participate, all entries will be considered, and I will give proper credit.]

Welcome to glorious AFGHANISTAN! Finally! It only took 56 days for me to get here by way of South Carolina, Georgia Part I and II (and as is the way with sequels, the first part was much better) to Germany, to Kuwait, and to WAR! I mean, Afghanistan. Apparently this country is mostly made up of mountains, mines, and puddles.

The first interesting thing we learned is that it is a 9.5 hour difference from the East Coast. Why is it an extra ½ hour? Who knows? If anyone has a good theory, let me know. Jokes will also be accepted. Actually, it is pretty darned cold here. Maybe you think to yourself, going to war in the Mid-east, that it is just going to be hot and hotter all day and all night, but it is snowy mountains and cold winds here. We are almost as high up as Denver (but not quite, so no mile-high club for the couples here) and you know how the weather is THERE this year. Actually, speaking of that club, General Order #1, of the main set of rules they have for us here, is "No alcohol, and no sexual relations with someone not your spouse." I would think that is two rules, but apparently they think that drinking and sex are somehow related.

So, we got a tour of Bagram Air Force Base when we got off the plane and got our bags. It is two stop sign town, made up of basically an airstrip, and one main street which is actually named Disney. We were all like, awww, that is a cute little ironic name. Then we found out it was named after a soldier, Jason Disney who was killed here in 2003. This was the wakeup call that this is not the Happiest Place on Earth.

Next we went to our housing to drop our stuff. Mind you, during our tour, we were told that “larceny is on the uprise [sic], so secure your stuff.” Not long after this, we were shown to the plywood hut that would be our home.

Bunk beds, and more bunk beds, with about a shoulders-width in between them. Insulation? Nooooo. Heater that worked? Nooooo. Locker to put our apparently vulnerable stuff in? Double nooooo! Well, at least we were near our bathrooms and showers. Only a quick 100 paces there and back. The way back after the shower is what gets ya though.

Another thing we learned in one of the million in-briefs we got is that Priority Mail does not mean a thing and if you are getting something sent to you, regular mail is just as good unless you need a box.

Here is why my job is awesome. My commander’s name? Richard Dix. No, that is not a joke, my boss is Dick Dix. You almost expect bow-chicka-bow-bow-bow music to start up from somewhere. Also, our motto is:

I tried telling him that I do NOT love it, nor do I want to be here, but he threatened to put me on a convoy to Iraq, so I hushed up. But this meant I failed in telling him what I thought, but failure is not an option. This confused me. Then I quietly sat in the corner for a while and I felt better.

Oh, it all sounds so terrible! Is Pat going to make it? Tune in next time…. (um, yeah, I totally get by… with a little help from my friends…Oh-woah, gonna try, with… OK, I will stop.)

UPDATE 11: January 12, 2006

The Trip Part 2- Kuwait to Afghanistan

So, Kuwait, which can get up to something like 140 degrees in the summer is totally cold in December. I truly pity anyone that lives here with those kinds of extremes. This is not meant to be a political statement about extremes in climate resulting in political extremists, I assure you.

It was not as cold as Afghanistan is, as you will see, but still. Actually, our good timing continued in that we arrived the day Saddam was hung, like, within hours of it. Surely, there will be no backlash from this. Well, at least there is McDonalds to ease my worries. At least, that is what I THINK it says.

This is in Kuwait, with my body armor on, getting ready to board our plane to Afghanistan. If it seems like I skipped over a lot, that is because I basically got there, ate McDonalds just for the novelty of it, and fell asleep for 7 hours. Then we sat in a hangar and waited for a plane. However, that is an M-16 in the case I am holding, and that tent where we stayed overnight in the background is one of like, a THOUSAND that make up the base where you fly in and out of. I am sure I will pass through here when I am on my way back to the States for vacation (yes, you get vaca from war) and when I come home for good.

This is on a C-17 cargo plane on the way to Afghanistan. Mark is already asleep with his noise-cancelling headphones on. That may be one of the smartest investments I have seen, as the plane just roars the whole way. It is not so much about comfort on these things. This is also demonstrated by the bathroom having a big sign on it that said “Ground Use Only”, so, no peeing in-flight. Boo to the thousands of bottles of water they had sitting around in Kuwait! Only three more hours….

Yes, that is a giant bulldozer strapped in behind the passenger seats on the C-17. This is why I sat in one of the seats on the side of the plane as you saw in the last picture, so if it cut loose, I would NOT be crushed horribly.

My feet, which will soon be on the ground in Afghanistan.

UPDATE 10: January 7, 2006

Update 10- Pat Invades Germany: Just Like Your Grandfather Did, But With 90% Less Nazis. (a.k.a. National Army’s European Vacation)

So, the trip started on Christmas Eve. What better way to make the whole thing as depressing as possible than to pick that day to send us.

This giant scrap metal penguin graces the international terminal of Atlanta Airport, where I flew from to go to Frankfort, Germany. This was my sendoff along with one lady who asked us if we were in the military and where we were going. When we told her, she said thank you. Awww. We had to travel with our weapons, and of course you have to declare them, but I did not want to just yell it out. So, I decided to just whisper to the ticket agent, “I have a gun!” For some reason, security swarmed me and shot me a little, but then it was all cleared up. Thanks, TSA and bye, America!

We arrived in Frankfort and took a bus to Hanau just in time for Christmas Dinner- I know it does not look like much, but it was totally awesome.

German beer in Germany- you have to love the irony of me drinking a German Franziskaner beer while wearing a Miller Lite t-shirt. BSSC forever!



More evidence that frolf is the greatest sport ever! Even in the most random parts of Germany, there it is. It was just three baskets in the middle of a field, but that is how it always begins. We’ll see Germany competing in the 2020 Olympics in Freestyle Frolf, bet on it!

My digs in Hanau, Germany. Looks about the same as everywhere else, no? That’s the Army for you.

Who farted? Hee. Fart jokes are funny.

Duffel Shuffle- This is a picture of me with all my stuff packed up and ready to go, about 275 pounds of it. I will be lucky if I make it to Afghanistan without tearing my rotator cuff slinging it around. Off to the Ramstein Airport! Du Hast Meche!