UPDATE 9: January 7, 2006

So, all of these updates will be pretty back-dated, but that is what happens when you go to three countries in seven days and none of them have the same power outlets.

Update #9- Army Training, Sir! Fort Benning, GA.

This is the Individual Movement Training- basically “how to not get hit when someone is shooting at you. So, the theory is, put a bunch of smoke between you and them so they cannot see you coming. However, if you do not have the best arm, then you just end up breathing in the smoke as you drop the grenade right in front of you. Thankfully we did not do a frag grenade course.

Army First Aid- This is what I would look like, should I get a head wound. Notice the blank stare, how clear it is that there is just nothing going on upstairs. These are classic signs. Also, the first aid packs they give us have been totally updated with bandages from Israel (b/c they know all about wounds) and a tourniquet you can put on yourself (but not for head wounds) but the best thing is the painkiller they include. Vioxx. You know, the one they took off the market because it was killing people? Yeah. Maybe they can get some Phen-Phen for us fat people too.

9mm Pistol Range- So you get ten rounds to shoot at whatever targets you want to get familiar with the pistol and then 40 rounds for 40 targets. It is not that hard to pass, I think you only needed like 19. The difficult thing is remembering that I have a real gun with real bullets in it on my hip. Sometimes I bump it into something, and I am like “Ack! Gun! Gun!” like Clint Eastwood in In The Line Of Fire. Also, there was also an IED kind of class where they taught us about booby traps and land mines and trip wires. Unfortunately, at three different times, the person next to me? Set one off. Lesson learned? Pick my friends better

So, after all this, we are officially “trained to go to war.” Here are our war faces. Arrrrr!

See you in Germany!

UPDATE 8.5: January 7, 2006

Anachronistic Update- Best. Friends. EVER!

Wow, this was totally overwhelming. It is my entire Santa List, down to the hand sanitizer! No pony, though. Why God? Why is there never a pony??? This is all sitting on the other care package I got the same day, a pillow from my sister and sheets and a blanket from my mom. This place is feeling more and more like home. Well, that is a complete lie, but I am more comfortable, and have a little piece of all of you with me now, and that is just as good. I’ll tell you, the first couple of days here were kinda rough and getting these before bed as my late Christmas presents on January 3^rd (they were here before that, but I had nowhere to put them- you’ll see when I get to that update) put a HUGE smile on my face and I slept all the way through the night (a rare thing) with happy dreams of Baltimore.

I do have a bunch of updates in the works, but I wanted to thank all of you for your awesomeness first, even if it is not chronologically accurate.

And in honor of the passing of a legend, here is a picture I took in Georgia before I left.

UPDATE (well, just really part of an email): December 31, 2006

...I am here in Afghanistan, FINALLY! Well, it took just less than 2 months (56 days) for me to get where I was going, and what a trip it has been, no? I am constructing more updates, but it is tough when we keep traveling every other day, and my laptop battery is dead and all the voltage is 220.... Sigh. But more to come soon, so you can know where I have been and see me with a penguin, on a cargo plane, and buried under 300 lbs of baggage, all my own.
Talk to you soon, -Pat

UPDATE #7: December 25, 2006

Hello everyone,
Just wanted to let you all know that I have left the US, and unfortunately my cell phone is not picking up a signal, so I would not try calling me on that anymore. I am in Frankfort, Germany, the 4th but not the last stop on my tour. I have already had a kick-ass Christmas brunch of duck and turkey and pumpkin pie and Sweet potatoes (which I have not eaten in 20 years- I guess they make them different here?) and Christmas dinner is in another 5 hours. I may have to take a jet-lag/tryptophan nap in the meantime, but I am doing well, and when I land in my next destination, I will let you know then. Bye!
-CPT Patrick Hoffman, Christmas Glutton.

UPDATE #6: December 17, 2006

So, I have departed!... for... other parts of Georgia today. For those keeping track on big maps on their walls with pushpins and yarn, I am now at Fort Benning and should be here for about a week . However, I do know now that I will be stationed at Bagram Air Force base in Afghanistan and my mailing address there will be:

AFSBn-AF
CPT Patrick Hoffman (Det 5)
APO AE 09354
Total boo, they are going to give me anthrax AND smallpox vaccinations, even though I am probably safer from that than those of you that live in the DC area. Oops, that was a classified briefing, so, um... forget I said anything. Also, I am going to be administered malaria pills, so with all of these weird things, do not be surprised if I turn colors or glow in the dark when I get back.
Even more awesome Army wisdom- they spent $600 to fly me from Augusta to Atlanta to Columbus, GA, but chose not to pay for me to go to Illinois for training on what I will be doing overseas. Oh, did I mention that the trip to Benning took 6 hours by plane, but would have been 4 hours on a bus? They totally get an E for Efficiency.

Oh, speaking of travel, I must tell you about the cab driver that took me to the airport today. He was a Vietnam vet, white hair, a little ways past overweight, and he proceeded to tell me (in a very loud voice, even though I was right next to him) about how soldiers these days are nothing compared to when he was in, about how female soldiers have ruined the Army, and how you should still be able to beat the crap out of someone that talks back to you. In the midst of taking a breath between rants, he pulled out a toothpick he had stored in the car's visor, stuck it in his ear, rooted around a little, and then cleaned the toothpick off by STICKING IT IN HIS MOUTH. I spent the rest of the trip looking out the window and fighting the urge to gag. I ended up giving him a twenty on a $15 bill because I just needed to get out of there, so basically I gave him a 30% tip for being a loud gross jerk.
My favorite purchase of the last few days (of which there have been many in preparing to leave) has to be scented candles. I was warned by someone in Afghanistan that they are "a little gay", but apparently that place smells like poo, and a little piney-freshness can improve one's mood after a hard day of work.
Thank you all for your book recommendations, and here is one for you- Friday Night Lights. The book, the movie and the show? Are all awesome, and you should all check them out, even if you do not care that much for football, because they are so much more than that.
Merry Christmas, and I'll talk to you soon (maybe from a different country!) -Pat

UPDATE #5: December 16, 2006

Recently, a crack squad of commandos embarked on a Top Secret mission given to them by a mysterious figure only known as "The Captain." He had tried to get the A-Team, but they had already left the Skyrock party.
The Target: Delta Blue, Laura Mayes' jeep
The Mission- Ensconce its spare tire in fleur-de-lis covered vinyl.
The Team- Well, I will let Agent Walenga's briefing fill you in on the rest.

CLICK TO READ THE BRIEFING

Mission Success! This was a true team effort, and very well could have failed if any member had not been present. We learned that Judy's sharp eye for fashion doubles as an effective lookout- No mall has ever beaten her and this would not either.
When Judy started to panic, Heather drew on her motivating powers honed during hours of leading people in physical therapy, slapped her across the face and kept them all on task. While one might argue with that technique as applied to people with spinal injuries, in this case, it proved most effective.
John showed that he is not just a pretty face, with decisive problem solving which overcame all the obstacles the team ran into. Suggestions for how to apply the cover, straighten it, and collect the necessary evidence of mission completion seen above? All the brainchilds... brainchildren? of Agent Albers.
As for Rick? Well, all the ideas in the world mean nothing without someone doing the work. The rest of the team relied on him to execute the plans that they put forth, and he did so flawlessly. If this was a war? He would have been awarded the Silver Star for Valor.
So applaud these shadow warriors, these masters of stealth, for while their accomplishments may not make the headlines, they brought a ray of happiness into one person's life... even if she did not notice it for the better part of a day.

UPDATE #4: December 8, 2006

"With the inefficiency and the lack of anyone knowing what is going on in activating you, it is amazing that they ever managed to invade another country!" A wise person said this to me, and I am forced to agree. The Army sent me to Georgia for training that I do not need, and now, will not send me to Illinois for training that I do need. Plus, it took them over a month to tell me where I am going, and I am still not totally clear on what I will be doing. Really though, all in all it is not so bad. I am currently living in Augusta, one of my favorite places in the US (it has the frolf headquarters of the world!), the daily schedule is far from strenuous, and I have a rental vehicle (The BEHEMOTH van) that I could sail back to Maryland in, if I needed to, so long as the Kraken does not find me.

Oh, if anyone has any good book suggestions, I would be glad to have them- I have $50 bucks in Borders giftcards to use and something like a 50 hour plane ride to the big sandbox (can I call Afghanistan a sandbox? OK, new contest- I need a clever way to refer to that
country. Winner gets, um... some spoils of war or something) so I need something to keep me occupied.

Awesomely, my boss looks just like Mike Yates if he started a severe weight training regiment. I want to get a picture of him to show those of you who know Yates, but I cannot think of a way that does not come across as kinda gay and/or weird, and I think I give off enough of both of those impressions without adding to them.

However, I have gotten some pictures of other things, so here you go:

Pigeons- Yes, this is an actual sign on the window of the building that I am training in. What more could I possibly add?
Reads:

DO NOT OPEN WINDOWS!!!
PIGEONS WILL FLY INSIDE.
THANKS.

Rifle Range- This is where I perfected my new non-lethal warfighter technique. I shoot

REALLY close, but always miss just over the target's head and a bullet going that fast past someone? Very scary! So then they will just lie down on the ground and give up. Actually, since I am such a terrible shot with a rifle, but have a pretty good throwing arm in baseball, I asked to be equipped with a handgun (which I qualified expert on, but for last resort only) and grenades. Lest you think poorly of me, the point of the grenades is just so I can peg one bad guy in the nose and then all his buddies will surrender in awe. I think it is a winning strategy.

Unfortunately they would not let me test it out on the rifle range.

Duck- This duck got angry with me when I tried to play frisbee golf in what he considered "his space." Stupid jerk duck. I think he was evil, because if Gremlins taught me anything, things with mohawks are bad news, right?

Sue- No kidding, an honest-to-God "Boy Named Sue." I love it here.

Solo Cup Factory- This is where the joy of so many football/kickball weekends begins. I tried to flip this thing myself, but they called security on me and I got maced and a bit of a hernia. I'll have the last laugh, once I find a ping pong ball factory! I was always better at beer pong anyway. Bwa ha ha!!!