Hoff Fired It Off

Move

2008-03-05T01:42:00.005+04:30

The move is complete, and has been for a little while now, but I now live in Virginia! Here is a picture of the truly ridiculous 6 bedroom house that I now occupy a small part of. Isn't it awesome? It helps that it is a really nice day here today. There are currently four other people living here, the owners and two renters, but one is moving out by the end of the month. Carrie pointed out that it just may be the nicest house I ever live in. Shall I be ruined at such a young age? Or will it inspire me to do as well myself?

It is on a cute quiet little cul-de-sac, and is all of three miles from work, so I will not have to suffer through the horrors of DC traffic every day. Yay! My new address is 414 Sugarland Meadow Drive, Herndon, VA 20170

I am living in the basement room for now as the guy who is moving out is currently in the room that I am moving into. But this is a good thing, as I get the giant and more private room at a discount rate until he goes.

The move went remarkably well, but that may have to do with the fact that I have more friends than I have stuff. Plus, these same friends are easily bribed by the siren song of free pizza. So thanks to Carrie, Adam 1 and 2, LT, Josh and Megan for helping, and Dennis for coming in at the end to take some of the pizza away.

Guitar Hero

2008-02-27T07:40:00.002+04:30

This is a filler post while I put the one together about my move. But yes, I have been playing a lot of GH3, and have almost beaten it on Medium. I think I am topping out though- adding that 5th button in seems to be beyond me, and looking at what it plays like on expert? Well, that is just a foray into madness.

This one is for Maggie...

2008-02-13T18:56:00.004+04:30

...because we share a love of all things Zombie-related and find them endlessly amusing.

(as posted by Adam Stine on "See You At The Party, Richter!)

"Re: Your Brains by Jonathan Coulton of Portal's "Still Alive" fame. Somebody made a video using WoW, but really it's the song that is the stuff.

I am back off of Unemployment...

2008-02-13T07:43:00.005+04:30

...or at least I will be in another week or three when my job with Lockheed Martin starts!

I am going to be a computer guy, though hopefully less Dilbert than my Army Computer Guy job, because we all remember how that turned out. (Or, if you do not remember how that turned out...) http://patrickhoffman22.blogspot.com/2007/04/just-call-me-dilbert.html Did I just link to myself? I hope that is not like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.

The job is in Reston, Virginia, and I will probably start around the end of February. Yes, this means that I will have to move soon. Who wants to help meeeeeee?

Awwww...

2008-02-13T07:08:00.003+04:30

Love in a time of geekiness.
http://xkcd.com/150/

No Dogs Allowed In The Cat Area!

2008-01-28T20:10:00.000+04:30

As Stine pointed out, if that is not true the other way around, then that is just discriminatory, although one cat in the dog area might be a solidly traumatized feline.

Yes, we went to the Pet Expo in Timonioum this weekend, and it was awesome. From the doggie agility drills to the wee turtles, it was just a fun time. There was a miniature horse demonstration with a tiny chariot and tiny obstacles to jump over. Plus, the MC on the mike? Was totally mean to her demonstrators. At one point she definitely said "Sometimes it is the horse you have to train, and sometimes it is the trainer." But like, all nasty. I don't know, maybe you had to be there. On the plus side? Adorable golden retrievers (and every other kind of dog you could imagine)!

Also awesome? They had plates of nachos the size of a Newfoundland's head. See?

One Meat!

2008-01-14T07:02:00.000+04:30

So, I know I am back and all, but I still may throw an Army story or two in here, you know, when I remember them, if I think they are still amusing. Here is one from Georgia, after I got back:

At the Dining Facilities in Afghanistan, you can eat all you want of everything they have. We think KBR gets paid by the pound, so of course they will do that. Well, once we came back to the states, it was "what have you done for me lately?"

The first morning, I go to breakfast and ask for some sausage, bacon and pancakes. The lady behind the counter says:
"One meat."
"What?"
"You can only have one meat."
"Why?"
"[glare]"
"Sigh."
OK, sure. Maybe it is a cost-cutting measure. Maybe it is a health thing. I don't know. But seriously? Boo.

Later that day, it was time for lunch, and what were they having? Veal parmigiana and pasta, so I say great, I will have that. I was given a breaded meat patty and dry spaghetti. "Uh, can I get some sauce on that?"
"No, that is MEAT sauce and you only get one meat, we have been over this."
"But... but... it is SAUCE. Ok, can I just have some tomato sauce then?"
"No, we don't have that."
"Sigh."

Breakfast again. I have a plan.
"Can I have some bacon and a biscuit w/ gravy?"
"No, the gravy is sausage gravy, thus meat, and as we have discussed, you can only have one meat."
"I hate you."
"Yes sir, I know you do."

Well, it's official.

2008-01-10T18:52:00.000+04:30

http://scrubs.mopnt.com/fun/personality/

You are...J.D.
A.K.A. "The Dork"
Hello? Yoo-hoo! Hi! Say, have you been tested for Attention Deficit Disorder? You've got your head in the clouds, my friend, but it helps make you a more interesting person. Your friends may think you're a bit of a dork, and you may make the wrong decisions on occasion, but you're a sweet, happy person who's on the right track in life. You may want to hire a bodyguard, though...you're the type to attract stalkers.

Yeah, I guess I should have seen that coming. Anyone else want to share their results?

Reflections on American Gladiators

2008-01-10T02:52:00.001+04:30

Ask anyone- I was extremely psyched for the return of American Gladiators. I figured it would either be the super cheese of my childhood ("He must have had the gods with him because no man can beat Nitro alone."), or really kick ass athletic competition. Either way, awesome. However, it turned out to be more like a mix of The Apprentice and the WWE with all the annoying things that go along with each. God-awful trash talk, pitiful announcers, sappy background stories, and endless replays of "significant" events.

Good things? I like that the winning two will be offered jobs as Gladiators for next season, should they want them. Just imagine that self-described "spider monkey" on future promotional materials. That? That's all I got.

Bad. Ok, this is going to take longer. First, you are not allowed to refer to something as someone's "signature move"on the first episode of a show. Second, the injuries- that damned toilet paper salesperson and her knee, or high ankle sprain or whatever? Shown over and over as she just bit it, with no one around her, jogging back to get a ball? Clearly she should be on a roll-about or in the Giants' backfield. Then one of the Gladiators played half of one event and was out? And of course it was Militia, the "army boy." Between him and the Marine girl that busted her head open on the fire pipe and then lost, it was not a proud day for the military. I would love it if they had snarky announcers, but failing that? Some kind of play by play. Is Joe Theismann still available? Bubby Brister? No?

Anyway, I think it is unlikely that I will be watching again other than out of pure desperation for something to do. Sorry Hellga!

Come back Malibu, Lace, Gemini, Zap, Nitro, and Sunny! We miss you!

NFL Playoffs

2008-01-08T18:01:00.000+04:30

Man, just about nothing went right with the playoffs this week. Pretty much every team that I was pulling for lost. The exception was the Jags/Steelers game where I liked both teams (mostly by proxy for Stine and Dan) so that was kind of a wash, but really? The Giants won? Sigh. At least I am guaranted to watch either the Cowboys or Giants lose this weekend, so that is something to look forward to, right?

On the positive side of things, I had a great time watching all my teams lose, both at the McD's and Meatapalooza. I think something like 10 people were at each place, along with an excess of wonderful food. I mean, my digestive system will clearly be angry at me for a long time, because other than mutton? I think I had every other type of meat in those two days. And it was glorious. Oh, and I played Guitar Hero for the first time ever, and I am totally hooked. Am I on the bandwagon a little late? Meh. Oh, and never match up against George or Angie in that game- they are ridiculously good. I hear rumors that Angie got a 100% on one song? But that is not physically possible, is it?

Kristin and Mike's Wedding

2008-01-03T20:54:00.000+04:30

Happy New Year everyone!
I hope you all had as nice of a time as I did at Kristin McCallum's wedding. This is the one and only picture I have of the couple (I neglected to bring my own camera, so I had to bum all my pics off of others.)
Somehow Kristin managed to talk a Catholic priest into doing a wedding in a hotel (and one connected to a skanky heiress, no less) but apparently he is retiring, so he has ceased to wory too much about some of the smaller stuff, and he totally did an awesome job.

Then, on to cocktail hour with its martini bar. Having very little experience with said drink other than "appletini, easy on the -tini," I decided to put my fate in the capable hands of George the bartender. He mixed and shook and gave me a vaguely tan colored drink that was just great. I asked him what it was, and apparently it was a "George special" which I think means "whatever was in arm's reach." I suggested this to others, but the second version did not go so well. They came back with a similar looking drink, but it seems that the vanilla vodka had been substituted by Absolut PEPPAR! It was... not good.

Following that debacle, things went very nicely. Food, drinking, dancing. Did I mention they played Thriller? I could only remember like 3 of the steps though- for shame. Oh, and there were Wedding Crashers there too- I think it was two girls? Well, Kristin totally gave them the boot, told the hotel personnel not to let them back in, and went back to having fun like it had never happened. I was totally impressed with her not letting some foolish people ruin her night.
It was an awesome time. Thanks to Kristin and Mike for inviting me, and I look forward to hanging out when you get back.

And since the fans demand it. Here is a picture of me. Oh yeah, you know you love it.

Returned To Sender

2007-12-17T23:40:00.000+04:30

What an awful trip back. 4 days in Kuwait with nothing to do (although that was ok by me), but then they lost my bags on the way to Georgia, ran me through a painfully inefficient outprocessing, and shipped me on home with 15 minutes notice that my ride to the airport was leaving. Plus, I got in right around midnight after my flight was delayed, so poor Josh and Laura were forced to stay up late to retrieve/entertain me. [Thanks guys!] If I did not have such a nice goal waiting for me, [getting to come home and being done with Army], it would have been intolerable.

It really is surprising how hard it is to let go of the whole thing. From the people who I will miss, to turning over my section that I was in charge of to someone else, I think I developed stronger ties than I realized. Well, I think I can find some distraction in trying to find a job, find a place to live (and choose a city, for that matter.) Any suggestions?

For those who are interested- I got my Army awards too. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand racing. Anyone who does not know what I am talking about should clearly start watching Arrested Development.

Ciao! -(Non-Combat) Pat

It's The Final Countdown!

2007-12-05T19:48:00.000+04:30

I have left Afghanistan for the last time (we hope!) Now it is a little while in Kuwait, a little while in Georgia, and then it is all done. Yay!

See you soooooon!

2007-11-22T19:40:00.001+04:30

Wonderful news! Barring anything truly ridiculous, I will be home by Christmas! Yay! The replacement me is on the way here (but let's be honest, who could ever replace me?) and we are making the arrangements to come back to the states. I will still have to go through Kuwait and Fort Benning, GA again, so I don't have an exact date, but I do know it will be after the middle of the month, but before Christmas.

One note, I will not be here all that much longer, so if anyone has any more mail to send, if it is not on the way already, I would just hold onto it so I do not pass by it in transit. Now if I can just find some way to send this land mine home as a souvenir...

Ah Qatar!

2007-11-13T20:12:00.000+04:30

Now some might think that, like there is no crying in baseball, there is no vacation in war, but let me assure you, there is, and mine was spent in a place where the beer flows like wine- Qatar.

Even if this had only been a chance to not work and wear civilian clothes for four days, it would have been awesome, but they do not stop there. With a three beer a day ration and fun little trips you can sign up for, clearly they can only get people to leave by force. I chose the "go to the beach trip."
It started off with a trek across the sand dunes at a pace which can only be described as "ludicrous." I believe at one point, we went plaid. This experience was made all the more interesting by being in the not- really- secured-to-the-floor backseat.

Then, we crested the last dune to see the Persian Gulf below. I went swimming, got stung by a jellyfish (a little one, so it barely even registered), played a little volleyball (with the tour guides who took it a little too seriously) and ate kabobs for lunch. It was a just plain nice day.

The next day I ran into a friend of mine that I was stationed at Fort Bliss, Texas with last time I was doing this Army gig. She is stationed in Qatar, which means she was allowed to take me off post. We went to the mall (exciting, I know!) and while it was really just like one in the states in so many ways, it was so very different. The men in their white robes, the women in their black burquas, all the signs being in English and Arabic, but with the same logos and models. Very surreal. To clear my head, I decided to go to the indoor ice skating rink.
Which is next to the camel ferris wheel.

Another odd thing about Qatar? The population is only about 30% Qatari, the rest being third country nationals, mostly from India and the Philippines, who do all the work. And instead of income tax? The government pays the Qataris a certain percentage of the oil revenue each year.Oh, and along the way? I saw this giant oyster.
Awesome.

I think that sums it all up- feel free to create your own moral to the story.Bye!

I'm a hero...

2007-10-07T20:28:00.000+04:30

...but not like from the show.

So you know how I was working my butt off? Well, someone noticed. I think the best line of this is "cheerfully accepted the challenge." Not only did I get this MVP of the week-type thing, I got a real award too- an Army Achievement Medal that I can wear on my dress uniform and everything.

Another thing in the military is commander's coins. Well, my boss got new ones made and I got the first one. This is what they look like. Yes, yes, it is the previously unseen trifecta of Army goodness. As Gluck would say, "Without me, it is just aweso."

In other good news, while previously me making it home before Christmas was just not going to happen? Now, it has a chance. This is not to say that it WILL, it is just that it COULD. I'll know more in another month, and I'll keep you all updated.

Take care! -Pat

100 Hours Later

2007-09-23T08:14:00.000+04:30

This is a formal apology to all those people that have written me emails or sent me mail in the last week or so. I just finished a week where I worked 100 hours. No, there was no balloon drop or flashing lights when I hit that milestone, just me falling asleep at my desk.

It is unlikely that this situation will get much better very soon- the reason I am doing so much is, in addition to my normal job, I am filling in for someone else who waited this long to go on vacation. (I think I would have gone quite mad if I had waited through 9 months of this place to take a break.) So, along with the group apology, I will also do a group thank you. Thank you! And I will be in touch soon. -Pat

US Army- So Easy A Caveman Can Do It

2007-09-10T22:15:00.000+04:30

Hee hee. And below is me receiving what I like to call a Certificate of Respiration from a 4 star General. It is really a Certificate of Appreciation, but it was given to just about everyone that has managed to keep breathing, so meh.I know it has been a really long time since my last update, so I hope no one was worried. It is just that if I thought I was busy before, now it is about triple. Apparently I did something right once so they decided to see just how many things I can handle all at once. As of one day next week, I will be: Acting Commander, Acting Executive Officer, Communications Officer, and project lead on three major operations. I should have known this would happen if I kept telling them how awesome I am.

Also, I have been traveling a bunch too. Here is a picture out the tailgate of a Chinook helicopter that I took a flight on. (I am aware the date stamp is wrong.) That guy is the tail gunner, and he is strapped in with a belt. The other picture is what a Chinook looks like from the outside. To give you an idea of how big it is, that is a Humvee it is picking up.

Our flight was really early in the morning, and then takeoff got delayed, so I actually ended up sleeping on the runway itself while they were prepping the helicopter for the flight. But not to worry, I got to the choppah.

Hope to hear from you soon! -Pat

The Emotional Stages of a 12 Month Deployment

2007-08-15T20:59:00.000+04:30

This is the pamphlet that they gave us upon arriving about what to expect while we are here. I had not looked at again until now, and it is awesome. Some is true for me, some not so much, but there is plenty of ridiculousness too. So, instead of me making snide comments all over it, I am going to give you the chance! Just leave your mockery in the comments. There is plenty to make fun of in this, so go nuts. (This is copied verbatim, so all grammar/spelling errors go with a [sic])

1. Honeymoon: Excitement of the NEW! Like going to Disneyland

2. Wilting: Excitement wears off- loneliness- feel the separation from familiar luxuries (the family, civilian clothes, Mini-Van, etc.) One solution: Make sure you make yourself write to family.

3. Leveling: You realize that you're going to live through the tour- begin to adjust and get a routine (get your bearings) Solution: Set goals for work, PT, courses, etc.

4. 4th Month Slump: You're tired of the grind of the 12 to 18 hour days- gets old- physically, emotionally exhausted. You've realized you just can't work the deployment away. You've just got to find something else to do. Solution: Find positive recreational activities- Holy Scripture studies, AA meetings, sports, crafts, movies, music, etc.

5. Midpoint: You know everything is downhill from here. Mid-tour approach- encourage to take a leave/pass even if brief and only in country. Recommend we find some sort of pass program even if it is merely to CAS where a brief refresher can occur so individual can get their second wind.

6. Post Mid Tour Blues: One of the most difficult things you'll ever do is return to the whirlwind workplace (for formal long unaccompanied tour, this is to leave the family a 2nd time.)

7. Topping out: You can see the end- you are a double digit midget.

8. 11th Month Slump: You look back and have to face what you did with past 11 months- will you "tell all" at home; you're a different person than you were 11 months ago- will the family like the new you (fatter, thinner) will you like the new spouse- more independent- must face the changes- scary thinking of going home. Reintegration Reunion training prepares individual to face these issues and think them through and plan.

9. Home After Shock: Re-entry- like going back to real world you have to readjust your vocabulary... understand alcohol tolerance is down... family expectations will be high... different culture verses military only, etc.

Where have I been to?

2007-07-29T22:22:00.000+04:30

In answer to some kind peoples' questions, yes, I was able to see the Transformers movie thanks to the wonders of bootlegging. It was actually a really good copy, so I was able to see all the genius of Michael Bay's directorial skills. My review? Well, for a movie about them, there was not nearly enough of the Transformers themselves. I think I was looking for something more like the show where there were some human characters, but they were totally secondary. Also? I loved that one of the main people was a Captain in Qatar. I am going there in a month or two (on a 4 day R and R pass) so I will keep an eye out for robotic scorpions.

I also picked up a copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but it was filmed to dark and the camera operator's thumb was over the lens for the first five minutes, so it was more frustrating to watch than anything. Oh well, I will catch it when I get home.

The return flight was a completely different thing than the way down. First, here is the plane that I was on.

Smaller, with windows, and with a tailgate that they left OPEN for the whole flight. Also, the view was amazing because they flew all of 50 feet up. Holy frick! This is not a picture from takeoff, this is 20 minutes into the flight. It was pretty awesome.

That is about it for that trip- I made it back safely, and it was back to work. I was sent back with the first two season of Boston Legal by a guy that works down there. Any fans out there?

=Pat

Where Have I Been?

2007-07-28T22:20:00.000+04:30

Salerno! But not the nice one in Italy. The one in sort of Eastern Afghanistan. (Southern? The whole darned place is on a slant, so it is hard to tell) as opposed to... kind of middle Afghanistan like Bagram (which is near Kabul, which is the capital. Remember this for future Scavenger Hunts!)

It was about a half hour flight from Bagram on a C130, the plane of choice for people that jump out of planes. You may notice that there are no windows on the sides of this plane. What that means is that you sit in this steel box and stare at the walls while you bounce all over the sky. So, when we landed and I hopped out of the plane, it was a surprise that we landed on a GRAVEL RUNWAY. I later found out that it is just the taxiway that is gravel, but it was a shock at the time. What else did I have waiting for me? Trees! Woo hoo! This is actually an olive grove in the middle of the base. But my God, the humidity! This is not a desert like Bagram. In fact, it rained most days I was there, at least a little. Hey! I can see Pakistan from here! But do not worry, the bases there are quite safe. This is why they call them bases in Freeze Tag. Salerno is a Forward Operating Base (FOB) but it is really like Bagram lite. They have most of the same stuff, but smaller. Like this Subway shop... truck... thing. That is actually the whole place.

The 82nd Airborne Division Band was playing at the chow hall. No, our meals do not normally have musical accompaniment. This same band was playing at the 10K run I did and at the 500,000th Soldier to go on leave from Kuwait Ceremony. Apparently our fates are linked. But this time? This time they were playing TV show theme songs! On woodwinds! Including the A-Team song! Awesome. Da-dah dah dah... dun dun dun...
(To be continued...)

How Is Being In The Army Like Being A Little Kid?

2007-07-28T21:43:00.000+04:30

First, as a kid, you don't get a lot of choice about... well, about much of anything, really. You are going to be told what to wear (UNIFORM), when to get up (MORNING FORMATION) and what to eat (CHOW HALL). You have to make your bed and clean your room (INSPECTIONS.)

If your family is going on vacation somewhere you do not want to go, (DEPLOYMENT) you don't really get much of an option about saying no. Few families are going to go to Afghanistan or Iraq, but the rule is still the same, and the only way you are getting out of it is to do a really good job pretending to be sick. This actually happens more than you might think. Faking a stomachache and licking your palms to make them clammy will probably not cut it. Also, they may send you to the doctors who are about as effective as the School Nurse used to be. You get two options- Motrin and Robitussin. If those can't fix you, you weren't meant to be fixed.

Actually, one of the biggest similarities has to do with how they punish you. First, they might just yell at you and any backtalk will just make it worse. (Choke yourself!) Thankfully in the Army there is generally not a wooden spoon involved (Mom, I am looking in your direction.) But let's say you really get in trouble and they bring you up on charges. At the lowest level, they can give you extra duty, where, after work you have to come back and clean common areas, paint walls or buildings or rocks, or whatever other ideas your temporary jailer comes up with. Kids know this as EXTRA CHORES. Also, they can take a part of your monthly pay. Did any of you ever LOSE YOUR ALLOWANCE for being bad? Does this all sound terribly familiar? Plus, if things are really bad, and you are making things worse by just being around, you may be restricted to quarters, aka GROUNDED.

On the positive side of things, as a kid they do give out shiny things when you do a good job like Gold Stars. This does not end when you enter the military- they have medals!

I think that this should be the next recruiting campaign for the Army. I think it will be especially effective for those who are nostalgic for their childhoods. What do you think?

So, what has changed?

2007-07-13T13:51:00.001+04:30

1. We have a new main boss- the last one left pretty much the day that I came back on leave. Is this good or bad? I am not sure yet, but one of the first things he asked me is if I wanted to stick around for an extra year. I did the polite thing and did not laugh in his face.

2. We have Physical Training (PT) five times a week. At 5 am. In the interest of following along with the number five theme, I am going to take five fingers and a palm and smack whoever came up with this idea.

3. We have a mandatory work day of 0730-1930 every day except Sunday, which is 1400-1930. This? This I am fine with because I was already working those hours and more anyway. So, meh.

4. Lest you think this will all be complaints, I have some good news. Actually, it is great news. When I left, I was the only person in my whole shop. While I was gone, I got FIVE new people in. It is almost too wonderful for words. I am back to being the dumbest person in the place, but I guess that was true when I was here by myself too, huh?

5. It got HOT here. It is about 100 degrees most days. That is one thing, but it also causes the "100 Days of Wind" basically because the big bowl of the mountains acts like a convection oven so at about 11am, the wind starts blowing at at about 15 mph and just goes up from there. By 6 or so, the flagpoles are being bent nearly in half, and I even saw one of the flags get ripped right off of the line and take off towards Pakistan.

6. Remember General Order #1? The "no drinking, no sex" one? Well, it has been updated.

"Personnel are prohibited from entering the living space of the opposite sex, with the exception of personnel married to each other, unless for official military business. If entry is required for official military business, the door must remain open at all times.

Sex. Sexual relations in a deployed environment have a degrading effect of unit cohesion, morale, good order and discipline, and jeopardizes unit readiness as well as mission accomplishment. Therefore, sexual relations and intimate behavior between individuals not married to each other are prohibited."

Again, not something that changes my life, but I still find this to be very silly. Did they not watch Starship Troopers? That was the best army in the history of cinema!

What did that kid in Poltergeist say?

2007-07-03T15:46:00.000+04:30

Ah Afghanistan! How I did not miss you one bit! Just a quick post to let you all know that I made it back safely, and thank you to everyone for making my trip home just fantastic. I can't wait to be back again, this time for good. See you in January, or so.

Running Is Nothing But Trouble

2007-05-20T21:47:00.001+04:30

So, apparently, the Army wants us to be "in shape" and apparently if you are unable to eat without starting to sweat, they start doubting your fitness. In my defense, those 64 slices of American cheese were very heavy. So, the way that they test you is the Army Physical Fitness Test. It is as many pushups as you can do in two minutes, then two minutes of situps and a two mile run. Each event has a scale of 0-100 points, but like in high school, you have to get at least 60 points to pass. So, two of us took it the other day. I finished the first two events and then we moved on to the run.

As I have mentioned before, there are a lot of mines here, so they do demining all the time. When they do it near the perimeter road, they close it to all traffic including runners. When we went out there to start, they were not operating yet, so we asked if we had 20 minutes- plenty of time to run a mile out and come back. Sure, no problem, they say. The mile out goes well, but as we get about 1/2 mile from the end, we see caution tape stretched across the road. Jeff is a minute or two ahead of me at this point, and no silly piece of vinyl will deter him. He jumped the tape, despite the engineer's protests. And while they may not go chase him down, I present a second chance for this gentleman to complete his mission of closing the road.

"Stop right there! The road is closed!"
"But, he kept going!"
"Yes, but you will not."

Can't argue with that. So, noticing that I was almost exactly 1/2 mile from the end, I just ran 1/4 mile back the way I came and then came back to the caution tape. I was tempted to break through it, humming the Chariots of Fire theme, but it was down and the road was open by that point. The distance was inexact, and I kept my own time, so is it officially official? No, not really. But it is good enough for government work.

The Vacation Countdown Has Begun!!!

2007-05-11T07:43:00.000+04:30

So we are down to 1 Month!
31 Days!
5 Steak Nights, and that even includes tonight!

So, to help the time go a little faster, Laura has sent me a mystery package. One empty photo book and 30-some sealed manila envelopes.
All I know for now is that some of you (you know who you are) have come together to spell out a message with pictures involving one letter each. So far, it says "HIP" and has featured Nat eating some cardboard, "The Running Gluck" and Judy having her own Groundhog Day (Don't drive angry!)

This is great, and I cannot wait to see what the next 30 days hold. And, of course I will be bringing it home with me so that people can see the finished product! I will post which ones I have gotten in the comments, so keep looking to see if yours arrived!

Oh, and if you are participating in the photo message book, you also likely have played in one of the scavenger hunt, or are at least aware of the zombie theme of the second one and the Thriller "dance" number. Well, it hurts to say, but these cats are better dancers than Adam, Dennis and me combined.So, I should be home from around the 13th or so until the 27th of June. See you then!

UPDATE- 13 June
So, you already know about
H-I-P
but the new additions to the puzzle are:

a- Chrissy, either doing a Fonzie thumbs-up with the "aaaaaaay" or since she is wearing a mortarboard and college polo shirt, possibly referencing her grades at Notre Dame. This also marks the first lowercase letter.

T- Angie using cardboard letters on a beach, which I am told is somewhere in Dundalk (Since when does the 'Dalk have a beach?) to make a nice pop culture reference. "Waaaaaaalt!"

G- Kathleen, drawing in the California beach sand (I assume.) This enigmatic message now stretches across the country!

HIPaTG. Hmmmm...

UPDATE- May 15
The latest additions both involve letters on peoples' chests, but unfortunately it was Tom playing Skins and Kara playing Shirts.

"E" Tom, your mom must be so proud that you made the papers.

"T" Kara, what is the story behind the "T" shirt? Is it that it is a t-shirt? Oh. It is. In honor of me explaining that joke, I will give you one of Stine's favorite jokes.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Control Freak... Now YOU say control freak who?

See, it is funny because...

UPDATE- May 24th
So, apparently I have been taking too long in posting this, and have fallen behind a word or two. But just know that opening these is the first thing I do in the morning, and it is a great way to start every day.

"R"- Cori apparently predicted that I would go for the pirate theme in the evite. Yum, yum, rum.

"E"- John looking nearly as pimpalicious as my faux-gold plated cell phone. No, really. I think it loves the 70's. "Wu-Tang! Diversify Your Bonds!"

"A"- Katie, wearing the greatest hardhat I have ever seen

"D"- Momma Mayes, dancing with the cast of Madagascar, although for a kids' movie, that lion really looks like it is about to decapitate that monkey. With its teeth.

"Y"- Mike- I am sure that if there was a letter "X" anywhere in this message, he and his 360 would have gotten it.

"I"- Heather, who I would think was getting ready to bring people an episode of Sesame Street, going so far as to actually dress as the letter, but I do not think that Grover would teach kids to win at the expense of the team. You must be thinking of Peyton Manning volunteering with the United Way.

"T"- Carrie's Tea Party, including the fancy hat. Fancy a spot o' tea, guvnah? No? Fake cockney accents are not funny anymore? But... the tea! OK. We have had T-shirt and T-party. What is next? T-time? Mr T? Curtis, I am looking your way!!!!

"S"- Rick is a master of Photoshop. Like, seriously good. Don't cross him, or he may paint your face into something really unpleasant. Such as the cast of Two and a Half Men. [shiver]

UPDATE- 31 MAY (12 days! Woo Hoo!)

"A"- Liz, your shameful attempt at winning best photo by putting my own dog front and center will not succeed. For shame! But awwwww.

"L"- Curtis, you're showing the two sports that, if played here, would be most likely to result in land mine interaction.

"M"- Laura- Looking mighty fine in a t-shirt with what can only be described as a duck with a grenade in his hand on it. Plus! The Yuengling! Oh yes, I am but a few days away from one of those too.

"O"- Bryan- Randy's donuts! That looks good enough to stop a monorail!

"S"- George- All he needs is three more people, and he can spell out SEXY. I call dibs on "Y". Unlike the "X", no one will see it as a target and punch me in the stomach.

"T"- Joshua, what are you trying to say? You want to take me out for cheesesteaks? OK, twist my arm. Wiz wit!

HI PAT, GET READY, IT'S ALMOST!!!!

JUNE 4th UPDATE

"J"- I always knew Jen thought of herself as a princess.

"U"- What a lovely picture of my mom. Even she has to be happy with this one. Plus? Topiary!

"N"- To Kristin, Liberty starts with N! Actually, she has followed the trend of people living in PA using real PA landmarks. Mmmm, bell.

"E"- Stine, in a pose that says he should be painted on the side of a WWII bomber.

JUNE 6! The time and the words are getting shorter!
"S"- Sarah- Somehow Pirates just keep reappearing within our circle of friends. Yar, indeed. And just remember, when life gives you scurvy, make lemonade! (Not green Starburst)

"E"- T White and Laura D. White E? Whatever could this riddle mean?

"E" Kristi and the foundations of flip cup. Table, cups, and beer. Such a simple design, is it any wonder we love the game so?

"Y" Jason- Y? Oh! WHYYYYYYYYY? Heh. Platoon rocked.

"O" LT, it cannot bode well for your marriage that you and Josh are fighting about which is the superior cheesesteak place. The Geno's vs Pat's debate has broken more than one home.

"U" Steve, is that another "Y"? Ohhhh.

"S"- Megan shows that spinoffs can go completely mad, from Superman to Supergirl to Retro-20's Supergirl. What you decided not to go the body paint route like George?

"O"- Lucy demonstrating her greatest talent

"O"- Yateses- The award for "furthest traveled" clearly goes to the Yateses (Yates? Is the plural the same, like deer?)

"N"- Laura- the creator, the organizer. My favorite destination at my final destination. Wonderful job.

Thank you to everyone that participated. This is simply great (I have overused the word "awesome") and I love it.

My Desk

2007-04-28T11:01:00.000+04:30

So, this is what I see each day when I sit at my desk.

Some of the things you may notice are:
1) Many Hello Kitty postcards (My sister, Kathleen)
2) A shirt that says "I am here for the party" which has gotten many laughs from people stopping into my "office" (Moriah and Ken)
3) A "The Slomin's Shield" insurance company magnet (Mo and Ken)
4) Photo of Laura and I and of the 2006 BSSC Football Team (Laura)
5) Cards from MD, PA, FL, DE, LA- both Los Angeles and Louisiana (Various awesome people)
6) Frolf comic strip. Heh (Kristin M.)
7) Valentine's Day card that says "Always be alert!" inside. (A frighteningly aware third grader from Ohio named Alita.)
8) Card from a Cub Scout Pack in New Albany, Ohio that was in a care package to "Any Soldier, Afghanistan."
9) Wedding day photo of LT and Josh

The common theme? I know a lot of thoughtful people. Thank you to everyone who has sent me letters, email, postcards, prayers or even just good vibes. They are always always appreciated. There are way way more than are on the wall here, (because you all are awesome) so if you do not see your card up here, it is just that I ran out of magnets. Perhaps I should not have used so many on creating...

...Baseball Standings! You may be saying to yourself, "Those are all wrong!" Well, these were my pre-season predictions/hopes. You will notice that the Phillies and Reds are at the top of the NL East and Central and that the stinking Blue Jays who beat the Phils in '93 in the World Series are the bottom of the AL East. Yes, I still hold a grudge because the next year was the strike, and I have not felt the same way about baseball ever since. Not everything is personal though- some are just smart calls. For example, the Royals being at the bottom of the AL Central, and the Cubs already being eliminated from the post season. I update these every day as a part of my morning routine. Climb the ladder, Phillies! Or if not you, then the Mets! Just not the Braves! Never the Braves!

See You At The Party, Richter.

2007-04-26T09:20:00.000+04:30

So, there is a town/city/village here named Deh Chopa. Given that most vowel sounds here are the long version, it is pronounced like Arnold saying "The chopper!" As in "Run! Get to the choppah!" If you have no idea what I am talking about, go watch Predator. I assure you, it will be much funnier.

And here is one bit of trivia:

Predator blood = KY jelly and the stuff from inside of glow-sticks. Awesome.

And I Raaaaan...

2007-04-16T10:47:00.000+04:30

So, many places, around Thanksgiving, have a run which they call a Turkey Trot. That is not how we roll here. We have a Global War on Terrorism run, called a GWOT Trot. Plus, we add a chili cookoff to the festivities.

Given that we need to be at work, and that it is already getting really hot here, the run happened at 630am. This meant that the cookoff happened at 8am. Mmmm, nothing like spicy chili for breakfast. There were two running options- 5K (3.1 miles) and 10K (6.2). As is often the case, my mouth got me in trouble because either I challenged someone to do 10, or they did the same to me, or someone called me "chicken" but like I was saying, I opened my big mouth and it resulted in me running six miles.

I did not however get the shirt that I was supposed to because they ran out. So, they did not have shirts for the people that pre-registered, but they did for those that signed up that day. I think that makes the kind of sense that is non. This is why there are supposed to be TWO lines! Ah well, no big deal, I am supposed to get it sent to me in another week or two.

As for the run itself? Well, the highlight was probably the team of contractors who made "The Anna Nicole Smith Memorial Team" shirts. Hee. The lowlight was getting smoked by my 50-something Colonel, and by Jeff (who you may remember from football highlights) who has not run since getting here, yet still managed to pass me in the last quarter mile. I guess some people are meant to be runners, some are meant to hold out cups of water. Me? I will be at the next one holding out cups of hot coffee, because I am a jerk.

Milestone!- April 12, 2007

2007-04-12T10:22:00.000+04:30

This is for the sabremetricians and countdown timers out there.

So, April 10th was my 100th day in Afghanistan. I have been gone from home for 158 days.

As of today, the 12th, I have 60 days left until I come home on vacation. Or, 1453 hours. Or, 87,200 minutes. Or, 5 million seconds, give or take.

Just call me Dilbert.

2007-04-08T15:46:00.000+04:30

To catch up those who do not know what my job is here, I make sure that the computers and communications systems work for the couple of hundred people I work with. This often gets extended into anything that runs on electricity (copiers, shredders, cameras) but one that makes sense is the Video Teleconferences (VTCs) we have here, all the time. So, these sometimes have technical difficulties- the picture freezes up, the call does not go through and so I come over and fix it, or call someone that can fix it. Yesterday was one of these times.

"Why is the VTC not working?"

"I... I don't know yet, let me check."

I walk over, getting chewed out the whole way. I arrive to a room full of people looking at a black TV screen. I press POWER. The screen immediately filled with other people wondering why we were talking, but not responding to what they were saying. Yes, the TV... was off. Now, some would call me a hero. Some would call me a jerk. I prefer to just be called "Dilbert."

Football Part 2

2007-04-08T12:27:00.000+04:30

So, we had a second game the same day, but it was not nearly as exciting, so I will just put in a highlight reel... of ME!!!! Graceful? Check! Blinding speed? Double check!! And I in no way look like I am about to fall over when I make my "athletic moves." I even juked two people, which had nothing to do with slippery conditions or them overestimating my speed and missing ahead of where I actually was. Perhaps someone in the NFL should see this and sign me up immediately.Yeah, you know you love it.

This was the end of the fun, as football was cancelled forever once my boss heard about what happened to Ted. This is about how that "conversation" went. [From Remember the Titans]

You're smiling.
Yes.
Yes, sir. Why are you smiling?
'Cause I love football. Football is fun.
Fun, sir? It's fun?
Yes.
You sure?
I think...
Now you're thinkin'. First you smile, then you thinkin'. You think football is still fun?
Uh, yes.
Sir.
Yes- no, sir.
No?
Um, it was fun.
Not anymore though, is it? *Is* it?
Not right now, no.
No, it's not fun anymore. Not even a little bit.
Uh... no.
Make up your mind. Think since you're thinking. Go on, think. Is it fun?
No, sir.
No? Absolutely not?
Zero fun, sir.

Earthquake!

2007-04-03T12:04:00.000+04:30

So there I am at breakfast, and all of a sudden the coffee in my cup starts sloshing about. I tell the person I am there with to stop shaking the table. He is not. In fact, my chair is kind of shaking too. And the walls. And everything. Was that a quiet plane flying low (actually, that happens here from time to time and shakes things right off the walls... not quietly, of course)? Are some people outside pushing on the walls of the building? Everything here is kind of flimsy, so that is not too ridiculous of a thought. Nope, it was an earthquake! Forgive me for my foolish suggestions, because this was the first time I had ever been in one, so I really had no idea what it was at the time.

http://earthquake.usgs.gov/eqcenter/recenteqsww/Quakes/us2007asas.php

Here is the info on it. Apparently what I felt was about a 3.0 or so. Stine is probably commenting that that should have barely ruffled my sundress, so let me respond that I am not saying it was anything bad, just... very odd. Definitely nothing I have experienced before. I will hold off on calling it totally cool until I hear if anyone got hurt. Hmm, I don't have any pictures to go along with this post. Let me see if I have any that are taken out the window of a moving car on a bumpy road...

I'm famous!- March 21, 2007

2007-03-31T15:16:00.000+04:30

Hey! I made it to the BSSC Update Email! Thanks Adam and Mike!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From the 21 March BSSC Mailing List Email) http://www.baltssc.com/
BSSC MEMBERS OVERSEAS

I just received this request from a member and it would be my honor to send what equipment is needed.
If you know of anyone overseas with request for sports equipment, PLEASE contact me so I can fill it.

"Pat Hoffman is a member of the BSSC, and he is currently serving an Army tour at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan, so he's missing out on the latest sports seasons.

However, the BSSC is not far from his mind. Pat has taken the initiative to start a five man touch football league on his base, pitting the various branches and divisions against one another. Plus, his next recreational undertaking is to try and start some informal pickup kickball games with the personnel on base, including possibly having a small league as well.
That said, while the army supplies footballs to the troops, they're not so good on requisition kickball's and bases. If you had any extra equipment that you might be willing to part with that would be great.
Thanks, Adam
******************

Please take a second to pray for our men/women overseas and their families. It's not getting easier over there and I hope they come home soon.
Good Bless America !
Mike Cray
owner BSSC/ANNSSC　
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awesome. For anyone not familiar with it, BSSC is a Baltimore-area team sports (kickball, softball, football, dodgeball, etc.) league so that we former "athletes" can relive our glory days, especially our 5th grade glory in kickball, and have a non-5th grader-like beer afterwards with the teams we just played. It is pretty great. So, thank you to Mike for your kind offer, and thanks to Adam for bringing this to the BSSC's attention.

Update 19: Football!- March 25, 2007

2007-03-28T10:46:00.000+04:30

FOOTBALL!!!!

So I started a football league. There were 4 teams- Army, Civilians from the Department of the Army and Department of Defense, Civilian Contractors, and AECOM, which is a major company that does a lot of the work around here.

We were supposed to start on the 11^th, but it rained

Then we were going to play on the 18^th… but it poured

So, on the 24^th, the forecast for the next day was sunny, the field was swept and we were ready to go…

…until the boss from AECOM said that his team would not be playing. Why? Who knows? What is important is that we were down to three teams, and instead of fourth, the DACs would now come in third. I mean, what is important is that everyone will still want to play, so one team will have to play twice. On to the first game!

Game 1: Military vs DACs

The DACs jumped out to an early lead on a TD scamper by Bill. Yes, that is me getting dusted.

But then the military team, like in the Battle of the Bulge, came roaring back…

…mostly because no one can catch LT Lester (our version of John Albers), who somehow broke out of this pile with all flags intact using Barry Sanders-like spins for the tying TD…

…and who also made catches like Jerry Rice to take the lead (bye bye Rick)

Everyone was having a great time until… BOOM!

Yup, that is me colliding with Ted, our Safety Officer (ironic, no?) I caught a buttonhook and turned upfield. That is when it all went wrong. Basically, my big forehead, as seen in other pictures, ran into his cheekbone. He got the worse end of the deal, with a fractured orbit and zygomatic arch (aka cheekbone- see those Anatomy classes come in handy some times) while I escaped unscathed. He was ok though, and just sat a few plays before coming back in. Here is the “After” picture.

In a gutsy move (as a former marine, would you expect any less?), Ted came back in to score a TD, busted face and all, and it looked like the DAC team might make a comeback…

…but a huge defensive stand, led by CPT Cook sealed their fate.

Final Score: Military 18- DACs 12

But the more important thing is, people had a blast playing; even the ones that got injured said so. Cameraderie, clever trash talk, teamwork, and fun- we had them all. It was not quite the BSSC, as there was no flip cup afterwards, but what can you do. Game 2 and The Aftermath Coming Soon...

Update 18:We Have Moved- March 23, 2007

2007-03-28T08:50:00.000+04:30

We Have Moved!

In more ways than one. Clearly, the website has changed, but so has my housing! In case you cannot tell from the picture, it is a converted shipping container. It is a beautiful method of recycling. Apparently they can fit 15,000 rounds of ammunition or two people and a shared bathroom.
I have gone from the 1700s to the 1900s with the addition of running water IN my building (tm. Stine) and am quite enjoying it. Admittedly, it has the dimensions of a nice prison cell (10’ x7’), but I am allowed out in the yard for an hour a day for exercise. Oh, and the last resident, who is currently on vacation still has the keys! Shhhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but I cannot lock my door. Ooh! And I have a great next door neighbor. He/She was considerate enough to cover the sound of him/her getting busy with some bass-heavy slow jams (possibly from the slow jams radio station, I can’t be sure.) How do I know there was busy-getting being done? Well, where I’m from, that is what slow jams plus “I’m not answering my door when you come knock to ask me to turn it down at 11pm” equals. One more important change is my appearance. You all may remember Army Pat Version 2.0. Here he is as of March 6, 2007. Smiling and relaxed, you almost expect a bluebird of happiness to settle on his shoulder and chirp a happy tune. But oh, what a difference a week can make.
Was it the peer pressure? Did the constant stress make it fall out? And what happened to the smile? And what is that crazy look in his eye? Oh man, this guy is going to need some serious therapy when he gets home.

A Soldier to Civilian translation guide will be posted soon, so those who wish to can still communicate with him when he returns home. For example, if he says “We’re going to need to adjust fire on that.” that means “We may need to rethink it and change our plan.” You can already see the need for the guide. And why am I talking in the third person? Am I to be one of those people who says things like, “The Pat is going to get his grub on.”? One can only hope not. Self five! For the big dog!

Update 17- February 26, 2007

2007-03-28T08:34:00.000+04:30

Band of Brothers? Or Office Space?
This is my favorite mountain here. It is this little tiny thing (relatively) sitting in the shadow of all these monsters. It is like the Wilbur of the mountain range, but I say it is “SOME MOUNTAIN.”

I don’t think that I ever provided a picture of where I live, but this is a B-Hut with the back of a Toyota Prado, which is my vehicle while I am here, and like I told you before, they are all stickshift.

Well, I am doing much better with the driving (down to 1 stall-out a week), but there really is a learning curve, and for some, it is steeper than for others. One of my co-workers, while trying to get into a parking spot, ran into port-a-potty. That would be bad enough, but the #1 Bossman, the CEO of our unit was inside it. She did not knock it over, but definitely jostled it pretty good. These are the dangers of learning stick. She has not driven since.

For as much as I am in a “warzone” here, it is really more like Office Space than Band of Brothers. Getting along with co-workers. Trying to keep hold of your stapler. The only difference is that no one ever has a “case of the Mondays” since you are never coming back from a weekend away from work. However, one thing that reminds you where you are sometimes is when they detonate land mines.
The engineers are always doing mine clearing here and there is supposed to be an announcement over the PA. Sometimes it goes, “there will be a controlled detonation”, then BOOM! But other times the explosion happens first and you go, “What the &$#@ was THAT?” but that only lasted like 2 weeks before you just say “One down, 8 million to go.” and go back to work. I am still waiting for someone to say “Oh! Excuse Me! Must have been that BEAN I ate.”

Lest you think that I am in any danger, let me assure you that the only thing getting assaulted here is my sense of smell. Let me explain. There are three types of water here. Black, gray and potable. Potable, is what you can drink and wash with. Gray is used shower water, dishwater and stuff like that. Blackwater is what you get from port-a-johns. All of it has to go somewhere, and because our site is on the unlucky part of base, we are downwind from the blackwater dump site. When the wind is right, it is just so wrong. And if this is what it is like in the winter, I am glad that one guy from update #6 recommended bringing scented candles along for the summer.

So, in some things you have more choices here, for example, Diet Coke. Here, there are two varieties- the one in the black can and the one in the silver can. I have not determined if there is any difference, but I am planning a blind taste test. Maybe it is all the leftover “New [Diet] Coke” or maybe it is like Coke Dry and Coke Ice. Is Coca Cola owned by Anheuser Busch?

However, there are some things that have much fewer options. Like the radio stations. Here, there are three. Country, what seems to be the Slow-Jams station as that is all I have ever heard playing on it, and the rock station that changes to rap every so often with no discernible pattern. I wonder if Sirius is an option here.

Hasta luego, -Pat

Update 16 - February 27, 2007

2007-03-28T08:33:00.001+04:30

I AM OK

Hi everyone,
Yes, it was a bad day here, but I am 100% ok. If you did not hear the news there was a suicide bomber at the main gate and there were a number of casualties. I was so far from what happened that I did not even hear it, which I cannot say for Dick Cheney. However, one of my coworkers was killed. Don't let this worry you because it happened in a place that I never ever go. But I am totally ok, and will continue to keep myself that way.
Later on, -Pat

Update 15- February 9, 2007

2007-03-28T08:08:00.000+04:30

TALIBANISHED! [t.m. K-Lamb]

I wanted to start off with just an awesome picture. Someone in the Air Force that Laura knows took this on a flight from… somewhere here to somewhere else here. Do I leave the details out because of information security, or because I don’t know? Yeah, I have no idea.

Remember the A-10 I showed flying over? Well, the noise of that is nothing compared to an F-15 taking off. Someone told me that when they do, and they use their afterburners, apparently their engines are operating at 115%. I told them that this is a mathematical impossibility. If they are going as hard as they can, that is 100%. I am very annoying.

We have suffered a tragedy here on Bagram. The grieving process is still going on. I am stuck somewhere between bargaining and depression. We have lost the Korean restaurant.

Have I mentioned it before? Well, it is Korean food, but the people who work there are actually from Kyrgyzstan (yes, that is a real country) as my coworker found out when he placed his order in Korean and was met with blank stares. But it is the ONE really good place to eat where you could feel confident in the quality of the food. It was not overprocessed or overcooked like most places. (Yes, I am complaining about the lobster. Leave me alone.) So, inevitably, it burned down. I do not know what caused the fire, but from the looks of the place, it will not be bouncing back anytime soon.

I have gotten reports from home that much of America is caught in a bit of a cold snap. Well, I say “Welcome to my world, suckers!” Two more cold weather pictures for you:
Dashboard reads: Out Side: -20C.
It is a double exposure because it is cold and I was shivering. Or maybe because I had just had two cups of very strong coffee. I do not remember.
Awww, a snowman. Even in a war zone, one can keep his inner child entertained. Oh, the innocence… The playfulness... Wait… does that snowman have boobs? Yes. Yes it does. Oh, that is just sick. [shakes head]

In another winter tradition, we did get to watch the Super Bowl! A few other hardy/crazy souls got up at 3am to watch. Most were Bears fans, some were Packers fans who came to root against the Bears. I cheered on the Colts simply so I never have to hear Peyton Manning compared to Dan Marino ever again. It was fun though- we had chips, hot dogs, and all that, making it somewhat like being at home. We even got beer. Admittedly, it was Budweiser Non-Alcoholic beer, and the writing on the can was half in Arabic, but it still tasted as good as Bud usually does.
Oh yeah, and that is my new holster for my pistol. This is the level of self expression that we have in our fashion choices- shoulder holster or belt. Unfortunately, this lack of alcohol has created an opportunity for the Taliban. After a certain amount of time in country, people go into pretty severe withdrawal for beer. So the enemy has created a trap that more than one soldier has fallen for. Maybe the people in charge will change their policies so that no more soldiers are lost in this way. Write your congressman!!!
Until next time, -Pat

Update 14 - February 1, 2007

2007-03-27T20:51:00.000+04:30

The Horrors of War- The First Casualty Is Always Innocence

So, some people have been telling me that it seems like I have things very easy here. Well, let me disabuse you of that notion. There are many terrible burdens here that I must bear.
The terrible cold! Along with the nine or so inches of snow that got dropped on us, the coldest that I know it got to was -22 degrees Celsius. Just in case any of you have not spent large amounts of time in Europe or a science lab, that is -8 degrees Fahrenheit. When I go back to my heated B-hut at night? Sometimes I have to wear LONG PANTS!!! I mean, what are we, animals? …That wear pants?
And the heat! My God, the HEAT! I mean, you go to take a shower and the water is just so HOT! You can just barely turn the knob on the hot without it being scalding. I guess I will suffer through hot showers for the rest of the year. Geez.
The life blood of any good soldier is of course, coffee. It used to be an occasional thing for me, and now it is a hard-core habit. However, out here in the boonies, we lack the Holy Grail of java that most of you probably take for granted because you see it in every strip mall and bookstore- Starbucks. Instead, we are stuck with some kind of second-rate place called Green Bean coffee. Don't they know that coffee beans are BROWN? I mean, come on!
It does not stop there! Even my favorite hobbies have not escaped unscathed. When Harry Potter 7 comes out, not only will I have to wait for it to get shipped overseas, they may not let me call in sick so I can read it all in one shot! Have they no souls? Pause the war! And when football is on, I am 9.5 hours ahead, so the Conference Championships started at 2330 (11:30pm). I had to stay up the whole night to watch football on the big screen TV at the rec center. And no wings or beer! What do they think I am watching, cricket?
Speaking of food, they told us that every Friday is supposed to be Steak and Lobster night. But is it? Noooooo! It is steak and crab legs. They said there would be lobster. But then there was no lobster! Why wasn't there any lobster? Whyyyyy????? [sobs] (PS- Thank you all for going to work and paying taxes so I can eat this well. The next thing they are installing is a Chipotle. No, not really. If they did, I might never leave.)
And the final straw. Today was Sunday. And we did not get a half day. It… it is almost too much to take. It is so terrible even the birds won't stay.
I am going to try to marshal my strength and make it through the rest of the day. My only hope? Maybe this Friday they will have lobster... maybe.

UPDATE 13 - January 21, 2007

2007-03-27T20:24:00.000+04:30

Freedomland v1.0, aka The 51st State
(tm- Gluckzilla) SANCTUARY!
They moved us into a different kind of hut. It has little walls that section it off into something the size of a prison cell, and I say that as a VERY good thing. The heater works at night (less in the morning, but who cares? You just get dressed faster.) Life is gooooood! Plus, all the care packages/ Christmas presents from my mom, sister, Laura and her fam and the Baltimore crew and arrived too! Woo-hoo! Wait, you mean this is not going to be a daily thing, getting this much stuff? Aw crap.

We live in what is referred to here as The Cereal Bowl because while we are about 5000 feet high, we are completely surrounded by the end of the Hindu Kush mountain range (which turn into the Himalayas eventually) that goes up to 20000 or so, forming… well, a big old bowl. Actually, all the planes that take off from here have to turn in really tight circles until they get enough altitude to make it over. Great place for an airbase, no? Well, apparently the Russians thought so.

Other than the 8 million mines, they left some other stuff behind too, like old busted tanks and planes. But not these. I took these guys out myself. Yes sir, Medal of Honor, here I come!

When we were getting a tour, we were looking out at the countryside on the other side of the wire (the whole place is surrounded by fences and barbed wire and such) and one person said “What are those ruins out there?” Actually, that is where some of the locals live. No roof. No heat (except a fire) and landmines possibly underfoot at every step. At this point, I stopped complaining that my fingers were a little cold.
As this is a very active airbase, there are all sorts of cool planes flying over all day (and night- boo!), including my favorite- the A-10 Warthog. Yes, they really do fly this low, and it is louuuuuuud! It makes you glad they are on our side. [Warthog]
So, in what feels like an episode of the Amazing Race, every vehicle here is a manual transmission. And guess who has never owned a stick shift? Yup. So, I am learning, but I have stalled out at inopportune times more than once. Like when there was a giant Afghani jingle truck coming. What is a jingle truck, you ask? Well, let me tell you. Better yet, let me SHOW you.

They are normal trucks, but painted all sorts of colors with all manner of things like chains and scrap metal hanging off of them which jingle all the way while they pick up stuff to be delivered. And these are their regular trucks, not like their Sunday best! Actually, here it would be Saturday best, but still. Oh, and there are always at least 4 people crammed into the cab of the truck. I will never hear wind chimes again without having a flashback to a pink flatbed bearing down on me
As for my job, I feel like Homer working for Hank Scorpio. My crew is pretty awesome at their jobs, so I asked them, “You guys working hard?” They said yes. “Can you work harder?” And they did. Also, I entice them with donuts, and the possibility of MORE donuts to come. Now I just need Tom Landry’s hat. (That one is just for the Glucks. “The Denver Broncos? Awwww!” I can just hear Jason laughing now.)
OK, one last weird thing? There are no coins here on base. Like, there are little shops here run by the Army, and you can use American money, but you get coin change as pogs that say 10 cents, or 25 cents, or whatever. It is totally bizarre. I have not seen pogs for a while, and I am still waiting to get an ALF pog, which is the coolest variety. I would compare them to Disney Dollars, but we already know that Disney is not a happy name here.
Next time? Snow, Roadkill and Incinerators!
-Pat

Update 12- January 14, 2007

2007-03-27T19:25:00.001+04:30

For Make Glorious Benefit Of Afghanistan (tm. K-Lamb)

[Note: This was my sister’s awesome idea for a subject title. If you would like to participate, all entries will be considered, and I will give proper credit.]

Welcome to glorious AFGHANISTAN! Finally! It only took 56 days for me to get here by way of South Carolina, Georgia Part I and II (and as is the way with sequels, the first part was much better) to Germany, to Kuwait, and to WAR! I mean, Afghanistan. Apparently this country is mostly made up of mountains, mines, and puddles.

The first interesting thing we learned is that it is a 9.5 hour difference from the East Coast. Why is it an extra ½ hour? Who knows? If anyone has a good theory, let me know. Jokes will also be accepted. Actually, it is pretty darned cold here. Maybe you think to yourself, going to war in the Mid-east, that it is just going to be hot and hotter all day and all night, but it is snowy mountains and cold winds here. We are almost as high up as Denver (but not quite, so no mile-high club for the couples here) and you know how the weather is THERE this year. Actually, speaking of that club, General Order #1, of the main set of rules they have for us here, is "No alcohol, and no sexual relations with someone not your spouse." I would think that is two rules, but apparently they think that drinking and sex are somehow related.

So, we got a tour of Bagram Air Force Base when we got off the plane and got our bags. It is two stop sign town, made up of basically an airstrip, and one main street which is actually named Disney. We were all like, awww, that is a cute little ironic name. Then we found out it was named after a soldier, Jason Disney who was killed here in 2003. This was the wakeup call that this is not the Happiest Place on Earth.

Next we went to our housing to drop our stuff. Mind you, during our tour, we were told that “larceny is on the uprise [sic], so secure your stuff.” Not long after this, we were shown to the plywood hut that would be our home.

Bunk beds, and more bunk beds, with about a shoulders-width in between them. Insulation? Nooooo. Heater that worked? Nooooo. Locker to put our apparently vulnerable stuff in? Double nooooo! Well, at least we were near our bathrooms and showers. Only a quick 100 paces there and back. The way back after the shower is what gets ya though.

Another thing we learned in one of the million in-briefs we got is that Priority Mail does not mean a thing and if you are getting something sent to you, regular mail is just as good unless you need a box.

Here is why my job is awesome. My commander’s name? Richard Dix. No, that is not a joke, my boss is Dick Dix. You almost expect bow-chicka-bow-bow-bow music to start up from somewhere. Also, our motto is:

I tried telling him that I do NOT love it, nor do I want to be here, but he threatened to put me on a convoy to Iraq, so I hushed up. But this meant I failed in telling him what I thought, but failure is not an option. This confused me. Then I quietly sat in the corner for a while and I felt better.

Oh, it all sounds so terrible! Is Pat going to make it? Tune in next time…. (um, yeah, I totally get by… with a little help from my friends…Oh-woah, gonna try, with… OK, I will stop.)

UPDATE 11: January 12, 2006

2007-03-27T19:04:00.000+04:30

The Trip Part 2- Kuwait to Afghanistan

So, Kuwait, which can get up to something like 140 degrees in the summer is totally cold in December. I truly pity anyone that lives here with those kinds of extremes. This is not meant to be a political statement about extremes in climate resulting in political extremists, I assure you.

It was not as cold as Afghanistan is, as you will see, but still. Actually, our good timing continued in that we arrived the day Saddam was hung, like, within hours of it. Surely, there will be no backlash from this. Well, at least there is McDonalds to ease my worries. At least, that is what I THINK it says.

This is in Kuwait, with my body armor on, getting ready to board our plane to Afghanistan. If it seems like I skipped over a lot, that is because I basically got there, ate McDonalds just for the novelty of it, and fell asleep for 7 hours. Then we sat in a hangar and waited for a plane. However, that is an M-16 in the case I am holding, and that tent where we stayed overnight in the background is one of like, a THOUSAND that make up the base where you fly in and out of. I am sure I will pass through here when I am on my way back to the States for vacation (yes, you get vaca from war) and when I come home for good.

This is on a C-17 cargo plane on the way to Afghanistan. Mark is already asleep with his noise-cancelling headphones on. That may be one of the smartest investments I have seen, as the plane just roars the whole way. It is not so much about comfort on these things. This is also demonstrated by the bathroom having a big sign on it that said “Ground Use Only”, so, no peeing in-flight. Boo to the thousands of bottles of water they had sitting around in Kuwait! Only three more hours….

Yes, that is a giant bulldozer strapped in behind the passenger seats on the C-17. This is why I sat in one of the seats on the side of the plane as you saw in the last picture, so if it cut loose, I would NOT be crushed horribly.

My feet, which will soon be on the ground in Afghanistan.

UPDATE 10: January 7, 2006

2007-03-26T21:49:00.000+04:30

Update 10- Pat Invades Germany: Just Like Your Grandfather Did, But With 90% Less Nazis. (a.k.a. National Army’s European Vacation)

So, the trip started on Christmas Eve. What better way to make the whole thing as depressing as possible than to pick that day to send us.

This giant scrap metal penguin graces the international terminal of Atlanta Airport, where I flew from to go to Frankfort, Germany. This was my sendoff along with one lady who asked us if we were in the military and where we were going. When we told her, she said thank you. Awww. We had to travel with our weapons, and of course you have to declare them, but I did not want to just yell it out. So, I decided to just whisper to the ticket agent, “I have a gun!” For some reason, security swarmed me and shot me a little, but then it was all cleared up. Thanks, TSA and bye, America!

We arrived in Frankfort and took a bus to Hanau just in time for Christmas Dinner- I know it does not look like much, but it was totally awesome.

German beer in Germany- you have to love the irony of me drinking a German Franziskaner beer while wearing a Miller Lite t-shirt. BSSC forever!

More evidence that frolf is the greatest sport ever! Even in the most random parts of Germany, there it is. It was just three baskets in the middle of a field, but that is how it always begins. We’ll see Germany competing in the 2020 Olympics in Freestyle Frolf, bet on it!

My digs in Hanau, Germany. Looks about the same as everywhere else, no? That’s the Army for you.

Who farted? Hee. Fart jokes are funny.

Duffel Shuffle- This is a picture of me with all my stuff packed up and ready to go, about 275 pounds of it. I will be lucky if I make it to Afghanistan without tearing my rotator cuff slinging it around. Off to the Ramstein Airport! Du Hast Meche!

UPDATE 9: January 7, 2006

2007-03-26T21:30:00.000+04:30

So, all of these updates will be pretty back-dated, but that is what happens when you go to three countries in seven days and none of them have the same power outlets.

Update #9- Army Training, Sir! Fort Benning, GA.

This is the Individual Movement Training- basically “how to not get hit when someone is shooting at you. So, the theory is, put a bunch of smoke between you and them so they cannot see you coming. However, if you do not have the best arm, then you just end up breathing in the smoke as you drop the grenade right in front of you. Thankfully we did not do a frag grenade course.

Army First Aid- This is what I would look like, should I get a head wound. Notice the blank stare, how clear it is that there is just nothing going on upstairs. These are classic signs. Also, the first aid packs they give us have been totally updated with bandages from Israel (b/c they know all about wounds) and a tourniquet you can put on yourself (but not for head wounds) but the best thing is the painkiller they include. Vioxx. You know, the one they took off the market because it was killing people? Yeah. Maybe they can get some Phen-Phen for us fat people too.

9mm Pistol Range- So you get ten rounds to shoot at whatever targets you want to get familiar with the pistol and then 40 rounds for 40 targets. It is not that hard to pass, I think you only needed like 19. The difficult thing is remembering that I have a real gun with real bullets in it on my hip. Sometimes I bump it into something, and I am like “Ack! Gun! Gun!” like Clint Eastwood in In The Line Of Fire. Also, there was also an IED kind of class where they taught us about booby traps and land mines and trip wires. Unfortunately, at three different times, the person next to me? Set one off. Lesson learned? Pick my friends better

So, after all this, we are officially “trained to go to war.” Here are our war faces. Arrrrr!

See you in Germany!

UPDATE 8.5: January 7, 2006

2007-03-26T20:53:00.000+04:30

Anachronistic Update- Best. Friends. EVER!

Wow, this was totally overwhelming. It is my entire Santa List, down to the hand sanitizer! No pony, though. Why God? Why is there never a pony??? This is all sitting on the other care package I got the same day, a pillow from my sister and sheets and a blanket from my mom. This place is feeling more and more like home. Well, that is a complete lie, but I am more comfortable, and have a little piece of all of you with me now, and that is just as good. I’ll tell you, the first couple of days here were kinda rough and getting these before bed as my late Christmas presents on January 3^rd (they were here before that, but I had nowhere to put them- you’ll see when I get to that update) put a HUGE smile on my face and I slept all the way through the night (a rare thing) with happy dreams of Baltimore.

I do have a bunch of updates in the works, but I wanted to thank all of you for your awesomeness first, even if it is not chronologically accurate.

And in honor of the passing of a legend, here is a picture I took in Georgia before I left.

UPDATE (well, just really part of an email): December 31, 2006

2007-03-26T20:51:00.002+04:30

...I am here in Afghanistan, FINALLY! Well, it took just less than 2 months (56 days) for me to get where I was going, and what a trip it has been, no? I am constructing more updates, but it is tough when we keep traveling every other day, and my laptop battery is dead and all the voltage is 220.... Sigh. But more to come soon, so you can know where I have been and see me with a penguin, on a cargo plane, and buried under 300 lbs of baggage, all my own.
Talk to you soon, -Pat

UPDATE #7: December 25, 2006

2007-03-26T20:51:00.001+04:30

Hello everyone,
Just wanted to let you all know that I have left the US, and unfortunately my cell phone is not picking up a signal, so I would not try calling me on that anymore. I am in Frankfort, Germany, the 4th but not the last stop on my tour. I have already had a kick-ass Christmas brunch of duck and turkey and pumpkin pie and Sweet potatoes (which I have not eaten in 20 years- I guess they make them different here?) and Christmas dinner is in another 5 hours. I may have to take a jet-lag/tryptophan nap in the meantime, but I am doing well, and when I land in my next destination, I will let you know then. Bye!
-CPT Patrick Hoffman, Christmas Glutton.

UPDATE #6: December 17, 2006

2007-03-26T20:50:00.000+04:30

So, I have departed!... for... other parts of Georgia today. For those keeping track on big maps on their walls with pushpins and yarn, I am now at Fort Benning and should be here for about a week . However, I do know now that I will be stationed at Bagram Air Force base in Afghanistan and my mailing address there will be:
AFSBn-AF
CPT Patrick Hoffman (Det 5)
APO AE 09354
Total boo, they are going to give me anthrax AND smallpox vaccinations, even though I am probably safer from that than those of you that live in the DC area. Oops, that was a classified briefing, so, um... forget I said anything. Also, I am going to be administered malaria pills, so with all of these weird things, do not be surprised if I turn colors or glow in the dark when I get back.
Even more awesome Army wisdom- they spent $600 to fly me from Augusta to Atlanta to Columbus, GA, but chose not to pay for me to go to Illinois for training on what I will be doing overseas. Oh, did I mention that the trip to Benning took 6 hours by plane, but would have been 4 hours on a bus? They totally get an E for Efficiency.
Oh, speaking of travel, I must tell you about the cab driver that took me to the airport today. He was a Vietnam vet, white hair, a little ways past overweight, and he proceeded to tell me (in a very loud voice, even though I was right next to him) about how soldiers these days are nothing compared to when he was in, about how female soldiers have ruined the Army, and how you should still be able to beat the crap out of someone that talks back to you. In the midst of taking a breath between rants, he pulled out a toothpick he had stored in the car's visor, stuck it in his ear, rooted around a little, and then cleaned the toothpick off by STICKING IT IN HIS MOUTH. I spent the rest of the trip looking out the window and fighting the urge to gag. I ended up giving him a twenty on a $15 bill because I just needed to get out of there, so basically I gave him a 30% tip for being a loud gross jerk.
My favorite purchase of the last few days (of which there have been many in preparing to leave) has to be scented candles. I was warned by someone in Afghanistan that they are "a little gay", but apparently that place smells like poo, and a little piney-freshness can improve one's mood after a hard day of work.
Thank you all for your book recommendations, and here is one for you- Friday Night Lights. The book, the movie and the show? Are all awesome, and you should all check them out, even if you do not care that much for football, because they are so much more than that.
Merry Christmas, and I'll talk to you soon (maybe from a different country!) -Pat

UPDATE #5: December 16, 2006

2007-03-26T20:49:00.000+04:30

Recently, a crack squad of commandos embarked on a Top Secret mission given to them by a mysterious figure only known as "The Captain." He had tried to get the A-Team, but they had already left the Skyrock party.
The Target: Delta Blue, Laura Mayes' jeep
The Mission- Ensconce its spare tire in fleur-de-lis covered vinyl.
The Team- Well, I will let Agent Walenga's briefing fill you in on the rest.
CLICK TO READ THE BRIEFING
Mission Success! This was a true team effort, and very well could have failed if any member had not been present. We learned that Judy's sharp eye for fashion doubles as an effective lookout- No mall has ever beaten her and this would not either.
When Judy started to panic, Heather drew on her motivating powers honed during hours of leading people in physical therapy, slapped her across the face and kept them all on task. While one might argue with that technique as applied to people with spinal injuries, in this case, it proved most effective.
John showed that he is not just a pretty face, with decisive problem solving which overcame all the obstacles the team ran into. Suggestions for how to apply the cover, straighten it, and collect the necessary evidence of mission completion seen above? All the brainchilds... brainchildren? of Agent Albers.
As for Rick? Well, all the ideas in the world mean nothing without someone doing the work. The rest of the team relied on him to execute the plans that they put forth, and he did so flawlessly. If this was a war? He would have been awarded the Silver Star for Valor.
So applaud these shadow warriors, these masters of stealth, for while their accomplishments may not make the headlines, they brought a ray of happiness into one person's life... even if she did not notice it for the better part of a day.

UPDATE #4: December 8, 2006

2007-03-26T20:45:00.000+04:30

"With the inefficiency and the lack of anyone knowing what is going on in activating you, it is amazing that they ever managed to invade another country!" A wise person said this to me, and I am forced to agree. The Army sent me to Georgia for training that I do not need, and now, will not send me to Illinois for training that I do need. Plus, it took them over a month to tell me where I am going, and I am still not totally clear on what I will be doing. Really though, all in all it is not so bad. I am currently living in Augusta, one of my favorite places in the US (it has the frolf headquarters of the world!), the daily schedule is far from strenuous, and I have a rental vehicle (The BEHEMOTH van) that I could sail back to Maryland in, if I needed to, so long as the Kraken does not find me.

Oh, if anyone has any good book suggestions, I would be glad to have them- I have $50 bucks in Borders giftcards to use and something like a 50 hour plane ride to the big sandbox (can I call Afghanistan a sandbox? OK, new contest- I need a clever way to refer to that
country. Winner gets, um... some spoils of war or something) so I need something to keep me occupied.

Awesomely, my boss looks just like Mike Yates if he started a severe weight training regiment. I want to get a picture of him to show those of you who know Yates, but I cannot think of a way that does not come across as kinda gay and/or weird, and I think I give off enough of both of those impressions without adding to them.

However, I have gotten some pictures of other things, so here you go:

Pigeons- Yes, this is an actual sign on the window of the building that I am training in. What more could I possibly add?
Reads:

DO NOT OPEN WINDOWS!!!
PIGEONS WILL FLY INSIDE.
THANKS.

Rifle Range- This is where I perfected my new non-lethal warfighter technique. I shoot

REALLY close, but always miss just over the target's head and a bullet going that fast past someone? Very scary! So then they will just lie down on the ground and give up. Actually, since I am such a terrible shot with a rifle, but have a pretty good throwing arm in baseball, I asked to be equipped with a handgun (which I qualified expert on, but for last resort only) and grenades. Lest you think poorly of me, the point of the grenades is just so I can peg one bad guy in the nose and then all his buddies will surrender in awe. I think it is a winning strategy.

Unfortunately they would not let me test it out on the rifle range.

Duck- This duck got angry with me when I tried to play frisbee golf in what he considered "his space." Stupid jerk duck. I think he was evil, because if Gremlins taught me anything, things with mohawks are bad news, right?

Sue- No kidding, an honest-to-God "Boy Named Sue." I love it here.

Solo Cup Factory- This is where the joy of so many football/kickball weekends begins. I tried to flip this thing myself, but they called security on me and I got maced and a bit of a hernia. I'll have the last laugh, once I find a ping pong ball factory! I was always better at beer pong anyway. Bwa ha ha!!!

UPDATE #3: December 8, 2006

2007-03-26T20:43:00.000+04:30

Ha! Fooled you! You thought I was going to Kuwait? Well, I am actually going to AFGHANISTAN!!! I just found out today. So that is good, right? Still the same timeline though.

UPDATE #2: December 7, 2006

2007-03-26T20:41:00.000+04:30

So, just a quick one. It seems that I will be leaving for the big sandbox earlier than I thought. They are leaving me here in Augusta for another week (until the 17th) and then I go to a departure site at Fort Benning, GA. I will be there for about 7 days, and then most likely get on a plane to Kuwait. So, if you do the math, I just may be leaving the country on CHRISTMAS EVE!!! Clearly, my commanding officer is either Ebenezer Scrooge or The Grinch himself. But they tell me I will likely be back for next Christmas, so that is good. I am sorry that I will not get to see everyone again, but I will keep you updated on all my travels. Hope to hear from you soon, and I miss you all! -Pat

UPDATE #1: November 21, 2006

2007-03-26T20:29:00.000+04:30

Hello everyone,

Or at least mostly everyone. Just wanted to let you all know that I miss home already, but I am doing well.
I was at Fort Jackson, SC for the last two weeks, living in basically a big warehouse of a room full of bunkbeds with about 40 other people. Yes, people snore like they are angry at someone, sometimes, but when you are getting up at 4 or 5am, you learn to sleep through it. More difficult to get used to? The communal showers, which are less awesome than in those late night Cinemax movies would have you believe.
Actually, it could all be a lot worse. There was one guy there who actually served in VIETNAM!!! And they called him back. However, he had recently had heart surgery and his chest was being held together by staples, so they mercifully sent him home. Others were not so lucky, including the one soldier who got married last March and has a baby due this March. So I guess he will see his kid for the first time at his 1st b-day or so. The one thing that was weird was that, out of about 170 people that got called up, I was the only officer. It was enough to make me think I was in the wrong place, which I tried to tell them, but they just shot me a little and told me to get back in line.

Actually, even thought there were Drill Sergeants in charge of us, they recognized that 1) none of us really wanted to be there and 2) we are all grownups, so they did not need to treat us like they do the brand new privates, so the work environment was pretty decent. We trained on what kind of guns there are, how to shoot them, and when to shoot them. Oh, and how to kill people with your hands. No, seriously.
So, once we were done there, I went Greyhound to Fort Gordon, in Augusta, GA where I am going to learn about how Army communications equipment has changed in the last three years. Thankfully, I remember nothing, so it is all new to me. This is just about the opposite of the last place, as I am training on my own, have a hotel room (b/c they had no room on the base) and a rental car. So, while before I never had a moment to myself, now I am by myself alllll the time.

Oh, did I say rental CAR? I should have said rental VAN! And not just any van, one of the realllllly big 15-person vans. All for Zoidberg!
No word yet where I am going from here as of Dec 8, but I am sure it will be awesome. Hope you are all doing well, and hopefully I'll see you soon.
-Pat